Another bored fifer blethering pish

For all young men who dream of looking ripped: A Warning

2012-02-13T21:29:00.035Z

Many is the young man who watched the 80s cult hit The Lost Boys, saw the bullish beefcake saxophone player, and dreamed of being just as ripped, impressing the lassies and earning envious glances from other men. For those who do not have Tim Capello's greased-up grinding flanks burned into their synapses from having seen it an impressionable age, here it is as an edited version, the only one embeddable here (for the original but no less homoerotic clip see "sax man" on YouTube) -

However, the quest to get Tim Capello's hot rippedness is fraught with pitfalls for the ectomorphic male, as the anatomy of a fine bone structure necessarily limits the results in muscle growth and overall size that can be achieved, and any attempt to go beyond limits of the natural frame will result in a look which can only be described as weird, a look known in Fife as "the pumped-up shoelace".

Former backstreet boy Aaron Carter is the perfect example of the "pumped-up shoelace" - still exhibiting the physique of the ectomorph, but looking strange, strained and stringy, a far cry from his youthful boyish hotness, as seen above.

STRINGY

Anyone will tell you that the "ripped" Aaron is definitely not an improvement, although at most one could describe it as a testament to the overwhelming mental strength needed to throw away the creamy mash from his maw's

chicken dinners and to bin the pastry from his sausage rolls. Ooh what a man!

ROIDY BOY

Then there is another type of pumped-up skinny boy, the type that doesn't see carbs as the enemy, but it is clear that something else is going on, when massive muscle gain is achieved in a couple of years, and the skinny teen transforms into a manly hunk, only something is not right - the head is still a bit Reg-from-The-Bill, and the guns, which are wider than the guy's face, have a strange "pumped full of water" quality. Ladies and gentleman, for the perfect example of this phenomenon, I present to you... Andy Sugden from Emmerdale.

Like the young woman with unconvincing and oversized breast implants, all this look does is advertise to the world the slim lad's teenage complexes. If anything this man will be an object of scorn or, what is worse, pity. There is a lesson here, and the lesson is, that Tim Capello is a legend, and you should never try to be your heroes - just be yourself.

Reconfiguring Scotland's Most Profound Sense of Self Post-Independence

2012-01-21T18:16:00.008Z

It is interesting to note that virtually all of the recent mainstream media discourse on an independent Scotland focuses on the economic panorama of the country in the short to medium term, with no comment on the cultural shift which would necessarily have to take place for Salmond's power gains to be maintained in the generations to come. With the inevitable short-selling of the newly-minted Groat on international currency markets causing wild fluctuations in the price of basic commodities, and local authorities increasingly paying their staff in potatoes, Salmond will need to harness his party's domination of national media to renegotiate the Scottish sense of identity, lest his dream of a self-determining nation crumble in the face of disillusioned Scots seeking union with England or Norway. That every cultural product in the land will be ideologically re-imagined by a team of intellectuals and creatives working within a powerful ministry is beyond doubt, though what forms these products may eventually take we can but speculate (see below for an example of such speculation), as we cannot hope to know the zeitgeist of the future. It is something that current voters should bear in mind however, as even the most private spheres of a citizen's life may be affected.

With thanks to powertothepencil.com for the cracking graphics.

Water Cannon Installed in Cowdenbeath High Street as Police Warn of Further Rioting

2011-08-09T20:11:00.010+01:00

Fife Constabulary today held a press conference to warn Cowdenbeath's residents that in a bid to prevent a reoccurence of the rioting which last night devastated the town's commercial centre, a water cannon has been brought to the town, and police 'will not be afraid to use it'. With local businesses trying to secure their premises against a second night of riots while counting the cost of last night's frenzied looting, many spoke out about the stock that they had lost in the hope that Cowdenbeath's miscreants would think twice about looting being a 'victimless crime'. As has been reported in the national news, initially trouble erupted outside Poundstretchers, when a group of teenagers were seen smashing the shop's frontage. Night-shift staff in nearby Morrisons, fearing that their cigarette stocks would be the next most obvious target in light of the cigarette raid several months previously, immediately pulled down their metal shutters and saved the store. But other shops in the town were not so lucky, with Semi-Chem reporting the large and regrettable loss of dozens of Calum Best gift sets, as well as their entire stock of Chocolate Assortments, popular in the town for the exciting sense of unpredictability in their contents. Christie's 99p stores and Budgie's were also hit, with losses running into literally tens of pounds. Poundstretchers themselves lamented the loss of their JML products, and staff told our reporter that Sky footage of rioters brazenly carrying large prints of the New York skyline was a great source of frustration to them. As in the London riots, new technologies have played their nefarious part in exacerbating the damage, with rioters responding to the twitter hashtag #trashthebargainshop, but police have warned that they will be monitoring the Thursday market especially closely for polyresin Scottish pipers and Native American Indians with no verifiable source. Harder for police to trace, however, will be the hundreds of pairs of slippers ransacked from The Original Factory Shop, which also suffered damage. But the manager of the shop dubbed 'Cowdenbeath's Selfridges', Lorna Kennedy, was phlegmatic about their chances of the goods being recovered. 'The baffies have already been written off,' she told our reporter this morning.

As this is an ongoing story, we will bring you more on news events as these come in.

A Snapshot of Modern Britain's Moral and Economic Collapse

2011-06-20T20:19:00.006+01:00

Why write an expensive multi-agency report about the consequences of industrial devastation and moral liberalism on the UK's working classes, when a single photograph illustrates it perfectly?

Celebrity Sighting in Fife #1294

2011-05-23T21:16:00.008+01:00

At first glance, a typical scene outside Kirkcaldy Sheriff Court on a weekday, two gadgies having a fag and a bit of banter to relieve the awkwardness of finding themselves the unwilling suited and booted subjects of an intransigent legal protocol. But wait a minute, isn't that the famous Swedish DJ and music producer Basshunter? Just like the sighting of Robbie Williams in Dunfermline Bus Station during an apparent existential crisis, or of Catherine Zeta Jones showing early manic symptoms in Lochgelly, this photograph goes to show that the Kingdom is positively hoachin' with celebs, if you know where to look.

Some ideas for Scotland's new culture and external relations secretary

2011-05-19T20:40:00.011+01:00

In the wake of today's news that Alex Salmond has created a new cabinet post for the promotion of Scottish cultural interests around the world to capitalise on the renewed global interest in Scotland since the election, this blog would like to extend an expert hand to his new secretary Fiona Hyslop, who may find herself floundering amongst the myriad images of Scottish nationhood available to choose from when promoting Scotland on future junkets abroad.

First of all, Fiona should know that the Yanks LOVE the homoerotic take on the Scottish warrior. See the image above, taken at one of New York's annual 'Dressed to Kilt' shows, which riffs, irony-free, on the Braveheart theme using nothing more than a toy sword, a duvet cover from Next and a burst biro. Notable well-loved expats and tax exiles such as Billy Connelly, Gerald Butler and Sean Connery are happy to ham up this camp notion of Scottishness at these shows, far away from the withering gaze of their countrymen.

That said, it would be wrong for Fiona to think that such kilted images of Scottish hotties are simply a foreign confection. Take the picture below, for example, which our staff photographer was lucky to capture of three Cowdenbeath fans in the Pit Road toilets on a July weekend two years ago, shortly before said toilets' sad closure. Sometimes the truth really is stranger than fiction.

'Gordon Brown snubbed us with his WEF post' says Cowdenbeath businesswoman

2011-05-13T19:32:00.014+01:00

When Gordon Brown announced three weeks ago that he would be taking an unpaid advisory role for the World Economic Forum, many New Labour stalwarts expressed pleasure that the self-styled Prudent Chancellor had found a role befitting a global statesman of his stature. But there have been rumblings of discontent about his new appointment from within the constituency Brown still nominally serves, and one woman, Janice Wright, manager of the Barnardo’s Charity Shop on Cowdenbeath High Street, wished this blog to serve as a platform for her forthright opinions.

Janice (pictured above) was happy to give our reporter an exclusive of her views - ‘I can see he’s a bit allergic to the leather upholstery in the Commons these days, but if he was looking for something else to fill his time, he might have looked a bit closer to home and given something back to the constituents he hardly sees. And it’s not as if there's a shortage of voluntary jobs in Cowdenbeath – in fact, I don’t think any of the job opportunities you’ll find locally are actually paid.’ Janice explained that due to this greater local demand for volunteers she has been struggling to find a good calibre candidate for Barnardo’s latest unpaid position. ’Frankly I’m quite hurt that Gordon thought he was too good for our organisation. After all, we, like him, care about child poverty. And the job of Barnardo’s shop volunteer is a multi-faceted role, and I can guarantee he would have found it challenging.’ Asked to explain her last comment, Mrs Wright went on: ‘Well, a big part of the job is customer-facing. That part might not have been Gordon’s strong suit, as he doesn’t seem to be very good at spontaneous conversation, or indeed human interaction. But I’d have trained him well! I once had a volunteer with Asperger’s a couple of years ago, and after a few months he could do small talk and banter with the best of them. This role would have been great practice for improving Gordon’s people skills, and he would need no reminders to smile in here – we get lots of laughs with customers. I gather that he’s not great at teamwork either, but Rory, who’s ex-Remploy, could have shown him by example how to learn to trust others without having to micromanage everything.’

Janice paused, moving over to the childrens’ toys, before continuing: ‘Then there is the pricing side of the business. I might have left that until last with Gordon, as we wouldn’t want the shop to lose money. I would have shown him how to price items – for example, showing him how if we put out all of the stock of sparkly jumpers we have in the back, which is our winter reserve, this would lead to a drop in their value, and we would then essentially be selling them at a loss. I would show him just to put out a few, not dump them all on the local market at once. Retail is a bit of a science, and he would have lots of useful lessons to learn.’

Our reporter was keen to know if there were any other sides to shopkeeping which might enhance our erstwhile chancellor’s skill set. ‘Of course there is,’ said Janice, as she moved on to rearranging the glazed ornaments. ‘There is the whole cash-handling side to the business. I think I would have to teach Mr Brown how to balance the till, so that he would understand the repercussions for us if the till was short. We don’t give stock away, and I’ve had to let go previous volunteers who had been "sweethearting" [giving away stock for free] in order to be more popular with customers. I get the feeling I’d need to watch him for that. Rather than let him loose on the cash straight away, I might start him on counting the jigsaw pieces, just to make sure he understood the importance of the number stated on the box matching the number actually inside. Because if he ran a jigsaw piece deficit he would soon also find himself running the gauntlet of a lot of angry customers!’ Janice smiled to our reporter as she said this. ‘The jigsaw enthusiasts can get quite irate, which is understandable if you’ve spent a week putting together an ocean scene and one of the dolphins’ heads is missing.’ Given all of the extra training the ex-chancellor would need for this role, isn’t Janice’s annoyance at Brown’s perceived snub of her shop a bit misplaced? It sounds like as an employee he would need so much support as to be a bit of a liability. Mrs Wright laughed at our suggestion, and said, ‘Yes, I suppose when you sum of all of his strengths and weaknesses he might have ended up being a bit of a millstone round my neck, and I can’t be in the shop all the time – I also cover the Kirkcaldy branch. He’d probably only be any good at operating the Bobble-Off we have for our mohair garments. Well, he can "bobble-off" to the World Economic Forum for me!'

An Aberdour reader writes...

2011-05-09T16:47:00.008+01:00

An Aberdour man has kindly taken the time to write to this blog to express the following -

'I must say I am disappointed in your blog's current output in the light of so much happening on the Scottish political scene. I logged on to your blog last Thursday with much expectation, hoping for a live commentary on the results, with in-depth analysis, as befits a locally-focussed blog of this stature, and instead am offered merely a photo of some damp X-Factor also-ran whom I didn't recognise. Is this some kind of sick joke?' Disappointed, Aberdour

Our editor replies -

Hi Disappointed,

I can understand your frustration at our lack of Scottish Election coverage, but you must understand it from our angle - back in 2006 this blog made a commitment to report only upon empirical facts, and in a campaign which saw Labour promise 250,000 new jobs in Scotland, and the SNP paint a vision of a socialist utopia funded by a yet-to-be-created economy based on harnessing the electrical energy in rainbows, I felt that the manifestos of both main parties were fantastical to the point of being surreal, and therefore not suitable for a blog which from the outset has dealt only in realism, not the magic realism presented by Scottish politics. The SNP's triumph is indicative of a people gathering together to dream the dream, knowing that they have nothing to lose but their benefits, a spectre of loss which is nevertheless too powerful for the post-industrial wastelands that are Cowdenbeath, Leith, and half of Greater Glasgow. Nevertheless, the result is predicated on an improbable future imaginary, whereas the precociously talented Lloyd Daniels is most definitely and demonstrably soaped-up, pouting and covering his genitals with a towel, which is why I took the decision to run with the latter story.

Aristotelian Principles in the Homoerotic Photograph

2011-05-05T23:05:00.008+01:00

Without wishing to patronise our already cultured readership on the finer points of classical aesthetics, this blog will presume the unanimity of opinion that the perfect photograph should combine all of the elements which the Ancient Greeks would have looked for in aesthetic representation of the male, had Aristotle and his pals been able to enjoy the technology of photography in the age before Christ (and been able, like this blog's editorship, to enjoy the many internet sites which celebrate male beauty in a very, ahem, Hellenic way). Certainly, the photograph above fulfils all of the criteria that this blog has set when selecting a picture for its readers' consumption, namely

1. The golden mean of the male body, hunky and tanned but not self-consciously ripped (check!)

2. A judicious amount of body hair, emphasising adult masculinity while hinting at veiled delights (check!)

3. Wet and soapy, maximing the play of light on firm flesh and foregrounding the illusion of skin texture (check!)

In all of our exacting criteria then, the perfect picture. Except for one thing... it is wee Lloyd Daniels from X-Factor!! Aargh!! Back up, back up! How could a picture go from being so right to being so wrong? Look at his wee face, trying to pout sexily but looking like a ten year old who has just hurt his knee, and wants you to kiss it, his er.. manly body.. better. Aargh!! Back button. Switch off the computer. Is this photo legal? Will we all get into trouble for looking at this? It's easy to get duped into seeing dodgy stuff, as Pete Townsend's lawyer once intimated to an incredulous jury. Though I'm sure Aristotle would have understood.

Sunrise over Mossmorran, and an almost naked Danny Miller

2011-05-02T18:48:00.013+01:00

What better way to treat this blog's small but assiduous (and evidently discerning) global readership?

Fife Super-Injunction Upgraded, Right to Free Speech Eroded Yet Further

2011-04-30T17:30:00.011+01:00

Further to The Courier's revelation last week that a super-injunction had been issued in Dunfermline Sheriff Court to prevent publication of an unnamed woman's allegations against a Fife celebrity, this blog can reveal that the gagging order's terms have since been upgraded from 'contra Fife' to 'contra mundum' in the face of the threat of Fife-based news sources attempting to circumvent the ruling by publishing on the internet (positing immunity through Kingdom-written webpages being hosted on foreign servers). Now that this legal loophole has been closed, this blog is sadly no longer in a position to publish its exclusive confession from the woman codenamed 'h1Ng0ot' in court documents, nor speculate on the doner meat rumours, without risk of incurring legal sanction.

The Two Fifes

2011-04-28T13:11:00.015+01:00

Meanwhile, a few miles away from this cloister of civilisation, barbarism reigns in Ballingry...

The only thing that these videos have in common, apart from being valuable social documents for two mutually incomprehensible and non-articulating cultures, is that both have been created with the aim of being received as comedies. One of these videos will indeed make you laugh, while the other will make you recoil in horror. Which does which will effectively determine your social class.

What about it? Speed Dating @ The New Goth

2011-04-25T14:46:00.009+01:00

At the behest of the pub's management following their sell out event in March, this blog is pleased to publicise the dates for the upcoming speed dating nights at The New Goth. Please note that speed dating at this establishment is heterosexual only, although LGBT nights may be considered in the future depending on demand.

The dates are as follows -

Speed Dating under 35s - Wednesday 4th May, Wednesday 18th May.

Speed Dating over 35s - Thursday 5th May, Thursday 19th May.

Tickets are priced £5.50 (including raffle) and are available from the bar. Management advise that would-be daters should act quickly, as tickets are being sold on a first-come-first-served basis, and women's tickets are predicted to sell out early. All events will begin promptly at 7.30pm - no latecomers admitted. See you there!

Co-morbid thoughts

2011-04-23T18:35:00.015+01:00

On the day that this blog received three hits from Iran, a country of citizenry more characterised by its struggle to achieve political and religious emancipation than a collective desire to see Eamonn Holmes naked, a page which incidentally continues to trend strongly despite almost five years of publication (although many could argue that it is this very freedom, viz. to contemplate the uncontemplatable, for which they are fighting), sources showed that another individual had come to this blog via a Google search for, as was quoted, 'cowdenbeath porn'. While a strong civic pride and sense of identity is famed amongst individuals of Fife's ex-mining villages, that someone would attempt to find masturbatory materials which indulged their understandable love of Cowdenbeath with something a bit stronger suggests that there is either a sub-genre of pornography which is so specialised or new that it is not known to this blog's albeit reduced journalistic staff (unlikely), or else there is someone in the world, perhaps even within The Axis of Evil™, who has truly reached the human limits of existential alienation. Having with some trepidation repeated this individual's search out of the lethal combination of boredom and curiosity, this blog can report, to the undoubted disappointment of its readers, that there is not footage of line-ups in Primmer or dogging in Morrison's car-park as easily available on the internet as the search term 'cowdenbeath porn' might suggest.

Q: Who wants to see homoerotic pictures of young bloods and photographs of Cowdenbeath on the same webpage? A: The World

2011-04-13T20:29:00.013+01:00

Back in 2006, when the Huffington Post was still a fledgling collective of liberal idealists happy to work for free towards a common left-wing journalistic utopia, this blog was founded with the lofty aim of bringing to the world 'Geopolitics from a Fife-based perspective', the one perspective that could demonstrably bring enlightenment and an advanced state of civilised reflection to the mass of humanity. However it was not long before this blog, like so many with intellectual pretensions before it, degenerated into the crowd-pleasing combination of homoerotic pictures of young men and photographs of Cowdenbeath, tenuously linked around articles of local news. This more localised, specialised focus brought its detractors, who said that a common understanding of our multi-faceted geopolitical issues would not be reached through articles about Central Fife, and that the blog had failed in its mission of building global bridges. However, a cursory glance at this blog's statistics from the last year has shown that this has not come to pass, and our increasingly homoerotic/Cowdenbeath focus has been justified.

Below are the ten countries who have most visited these pages in the last year (since May 2010), ranked in terms of percentage within this top ten (these stats do not count countries who also visited, but who did not make the top ten, about whom I will comment later).

UK - 36.7%

USA - 22.2%

Holland - 11.4%

Germany - 7.6%

Russia - 7.2%

Spain - 6.3%

Japan - 3.2%

Canada - 1.9%

Ukraine - 1.9%

Malta - 1.7%

While one might not be surprised to see the Anglo-Saxon countries well represented in this chart, it is gratifying to see our Germanic and Slavic cousins taking an interest in Fife affairs, and the Japan figure, while surprising, nevertheless leads one to question if it might have been higher in less calamitous years. Given that these figures do not capture other nations who have visited this blog, but recent visits from Brazil, South Korea, China and Israel demonstrate that an interest in Fife is trending upwards amongst their citizens, one might wonder, given the geopolitical importance of all of these nations, if this blog might not modestly point the way towards a common dialogue for resolving the world's issues.

Local Entrepreneur's Holiday Solution for Cash-Strapped Villagers

2011-04-09T23:00:00.012+01:00

There was a time when the mention of the mythical 'Kelty Beach' would provoke knowing looks amongst the residents of Cowdenbeath, Kelty and surrounding mining villages as being a sarcastic metaphor for the stay-at-home holiday, but a local businessman is looking to capitalise on depleted household finances in the area to create a holiday solution for families who in the boom years would have holidayed in Spain, Greece, and even Mexico. Grant Janck is taking what was once in the imagination of locals and making it a reality, creating a real-life Kelty Beach™ destination. Although the project is far from completion, with a tentative opening date forecast for early 2014, Grant has kindly shown us the computer generated images which secured the private equity consortium funding, to give local residents an idea of the tourist boom in store.

Mr Janck told this blog - 'People have said that a project of this magnitude can't be done, as Kelty has no natural coastline, but I would like to refer those people to the ambitious projects in the Middle-East where artificial islands and tides have been created, and sea temperatures changed. Kelty is an ideal location, because of the surrounding disused open-cast mines, which can be flooded to create the artificial sea. The land has been purchased, and we are beginning to move on getting the sand to the area, so that we can begin to landscape Kelty Beach™ (current picture of site below). It will be an exciting time for the village, and we anticipate the creation of many jobs in construction and other areas surrounding the project, so we would advise interested parties to consult our website (www.keltybeach.com) for further information.'

Sublime Pathos

2011-01-16T14:49:00.008Z

As the neglected frontage of the frankly quixotically named Opportunities Centre in Cowdenbeath might indicate, when Brown boasted of his 63 quarters of uninterrupted economic growth he was evidently still wearing the goggles of visionary global statesman that precluded him from seeing, next door to his Cowdenbeath surgery, the otherwise unmissable visual metaphor for the consequences of his intensely relaxed New Labour ideology on the areas of the UK which have the misfortune to lie outside of the Square Mile. Now that the coalition has taken up the mantle of governing this land of lords and serfs, led by a party historically even more intensely relaxed about obscene wealth, but just as relaxed, or laissez-faire, about poverty, it is poignant that the word Opportunities, already faded and dirty under Brown’s mandate, is now unreadable, with parts of the frontage having fallen off, but with no invisible hand having sprung up to repair it. That the job vacancies of Avon Representative and Catalogue Distributor currently on display in Cowdenbeath Job Centre can be considered ‘opportunities’ (after Hayley Taylor), is one thing; that the authorities cannot give even false hope to jobseekers by maintaining a Job Club which looks, if not inviting, then at least open, is another. If Brown is still scrabbling around for a legacy, then the Opportunities Centre is the perfect symbol of it and fittingly, in his own constituency.

Hot Prison Pal answers Cowdenbeath woman's prayers for love.

2010-03-13T15:40:00.008Z

In the Spring, a young woman's fancy lightly turns from her scrapbook of Central Fife Times articles and reader letters about the Pit Road toilet closures, and turns instead to thoughts of love, and one of our regular readers decided to get in contact with us to tell us of her own unusual romance in the hope that it may inspire other lonely hearts. The reader, who wishes to be known only as K. was keen to tell other thirtysomething single women that all is not lost in the dating game, even if they live in Central Fife.

She came across her new beau by chance. 'I went onto the internet to look at the new Fife Council admin jobs,' said K., who is currently seeking employment, 'and I must have mis-keyed something, because I came across the website Hot Prison Pals (http://www.hotprisonpals.com/), and intrigued, I decided to have look at the inmates. And it's true, they are really hot!' Her eye was drawn to Florida inmate Mark Turner (pictured). 'He described himself as an 'Aryan male seeking new companionship' and I thought, "well, I'm Aries too, so we're bound to get on." I was a bit nervous though about what to say to him, as he said he was looking for someone to 'shoot the shit with', and I thought, will he be interested in the bargains I got in the Catalogue Shop, or how I got on in my Sky interview? But it turns out he's on lock-down for 23 hours a day, so he understands all too well my life on a limited income in Cowdenbeath.' However, this blog was intrigued as to how weekly correspondence with a man who has recently had his sentence extended for possession of a shank fashioned from an old toothbrush ('it wisnae his though, he was just haudin' it for a pal') has led to a proposal of marriage. At this point, K. became coy. 'Well, he says that my letters have been what has changed his life around. Before I started writing to him, he told me that his days were just a fug of press-ups, cigs, home-made tattoos and touching himself. But I've been sending him copies of the Central Fife Times, because he doesn't get a lot of reading material in Coleman, and he tells me that they've given him a sense of hope for the future. He reads them cover to cover, and says he even imagines himself playing dominoes in the New Goth and winning a pie. He's hoping when he gets released in 2012 he'll be able to come to Scotland. Otherwise, I'll go over to America and we might settle in Ohio. Either way, it'll be exciting. I've never been to America before.' K. was also unconcerned about the fact that she has not met Mark in person either. 'We've swapped pictures, some of his quite intimate - the bond we've got is so deep, I don't think either of us will be disappointed.'

http://www.hotprisonpals.com/ Mark S. Turner's profile is still available to view, but K. advises that he has requested it be taken down now that their relationship is exclusive.

Al-Megrahi Twitter feed sparks outrage in US

2010-02-17T23:01:00.014Z

Diplomatic tensions between the United States and Scotland intensified yesterday after sources close to Holyrood revealed that the Scottish Government has been reduced to following Abdelbaset al-Megrahi's movements on Twitter, in the wake of months of no response to the weekly telephone calls agreed prior to the convicted Lockerbie bomber's controversial repatriation. The revelations come at a time when many commentators had started to note the chill between the Scottish Government and the US begin to thaw in line with the story falling down the news agenda, and these developments will cause great discomfiture to Scottish Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill (pictured left), whose public reassurances last August that Megrahi's release was made on compassionate grounds will not square with 'tweets' which suggest that Megrahi is not in the final stages of terminal cancer. Megrahi, who tweets under the username Abd_B_M_AMaqrahi, has in the last few weeks released comments to his followers which will be a source of deep embarrassment to the Scottish Government and undoubtedly provoke apoplexy in the United States, as they report on Megrahi's bid to improve his overhand serve, his inability 'to buy a decent four iron in the whole of Tripoli' and most recently, irreverent comments about Bob's internet photographs in 'River City', the Scottish soap opera he enjoyed while incarcerated in Barlinnie and Greenock, and which is assumed to be viewed via satellite. Meanwhile, journalistic attempts to verify this story have been met with a blanket denial from the press office in Hollyrood, who deny knowledge of the Megrahi twitter feed, and suggest instead that the account may be a hoax. However, unable to provide incontrovertible evidence of having made contact with the Lockerbie bomber in the last six months either, they are not in the position to make this story 'go away' in time for the transatlantic tourist season, as they will no doubt aim to do.

SNP 'Arc of Prosperity' still being sold to swithering Scots

2010-02-17T20:03:00.012Z

Many of us will remember with sphincter-twitching embarrassment the Arc of Prosperity speech given during the hubristic days of August 2006, when both words and wholesale lending were cheap and plentiful, and in which with characteristic expediency Alex Salmond evinced the union of an independent Scotland with the then apparently booming small nations of Ireland, Iceland and Norway. To the surprise of some, certainly for those in the SNP, a month after the speech was given the credit crunch had begun to unravel the leveraged 'bubble' economies of three of these four arc countries, beginning with a run on Northern Rock that September, and ending in massive bank bailouts in the UK, Ireland and Iceland, crippling these nations' finances to the point of bankruptcy. As was much commented at the time, Salmond's perceived arc was not so much one of 'prosperity' as one of 'insolvency'.

So you would expect then that this 'Arc of Prosperity' idea would have been quietly shelved by SNP thinkers, in favour of the next spurious, geographically-based notion to enter their heads. Yet this was taken from the SNP's official website today, (yes, in 2010):

"Independence would enable Scotland to become more successful. Other small European countries have higher levels of economic growth and living standards than Scotland. Independence gives those nations the powers to shape their country for the better. Scotland could have this too.
Off our east coast lies Norway, the second most prosperous country in the world. Off our west coast lies Ireland, the fourth most prosperous country in the world. Off our north coast lies Iceland, the sixth most prosperous country in the world.
These independent countries represent an arc of prosperity - and Scotland has every bit as much potential as any of them. We have abundant natural resources, an educated and skilled workforce and a globally recognised identity and reputation for quality and integrity.
With independence, Scotland could join this arc of prosperity. We could pursue economic policies designed specifically for our circumstances, to give us a stronger economy, better public services and a fairer society."

Eh??? Has nobody entered the shortbread-tin styled SNP HQ in the last three years to inform its bunnet-wearing, Corries-singing members of recent events? Or has the only person who knew how to work that new fangled typewriter thing in the corner already left in disgust?

Hogmanay Caption Competition

2009-12-31T18:59:00.003Z

As the prevailing metanarratives which have provided social cohesion and a sense of meaning to lives in Britain over the past century crumble in the face of the all-pervasive individualising and consumerising ideology of globalised capitalism, peddled through the corporate mass media which dominate the national agenda and culture, this blog could wallow in a vague sense of hopelessness at the thought that the coming decade will see nothing more than a further increase in social stratification, alienation, and inequality played out against a backdrop of a continually degraded natural environment. Or it could run a Hogmanay caption competition, inviting readers to comment on the photograph opposite, as was featured in this week's Central Fife Times. First prize is a ghost-written WAG autobiography. (The judges decision is final. No correspondence will be entered into.) Happy Hogmanay!

Copenhagen Climate Change Accord - "We're doing our bit," says Cowdenbeath councillor

2009-12-22T18:14:00.005Z

Even as the Copenhagen summit ended on what South African environment minister Buyelwa Sonjica qualified as a "disappointing" note after its failure to achieve a legally binding climate change agreement amongst nations, Cowdenbeath councillors have been quick to point out that while efforts to tackle climate change have been slow on an international level, locally there have been concerted moves to stop excessive CO2 emissions. "It's the little things that make the difference," said a Town Hall spokesman yesterday. "Over the last few years for example, we have ensured that of the Christmas lights put up on the High Street, only 50% are actually functioning at any one time. Next year, we aim to get that figure down to an even greener 40%."

Apologies for failing in our remit to you, the reader

2009-12-21T15:49:00.010Z

A careful reader has recently been kind enough to point out that this blog has been failing in its remit to bring its audience the "Geopolitics from a Fife-based perspective" which were promised back in the heady days of 2006, and has accused us instead of catering uniquely for individuals who want to look at sexually ambiguous hot young men and photographs of Cowdenbeath on the same webpage. While there is indeed some truth in his assertion, this blog feels at pains to explain the reasons for the decreased output in the more intellectual fayre that it was noted for back at its inception. Common to other media outlets in the wake of the economic downturn, especially those with a local focus such as ours, this blog has seen it necessary to shed esteemed journalistic posts, such as our unnecessarily expensive foreign correspondent (who in the event rarely ventured beyond Glenrothes), and remaining staff, nervous about job security, were subsequently poached by rivals, with temptations ranging from a column in the economics section of The Spectator to a full-time position at Munro's the Cleaners. Most pertinently however, like other internet sites of this calibre, this blog relies entirely on donations from its readers, and we have found that our biggest donors were those who enjoyed this blog for being the only place on the web in which Central Fife and homoerotic pictures of young bloods are celebrated in the same place. It should therefore be no surprise then the executive decision has been taken by the editor to give the (best) paying readership what they want. Jimmy Wales take note - this is the future.

Aye, these long dark winter nights fair fly in...

2009-12-21T01:48:00.008Z

... when you're a Welshman with the ability to create gambling fun out of the nearest household object. The human urge to con an ingenuous punter is shown in its most abject form here, but it is frightening to think that the natural impulse that created this "Irish Wheel" (so called because it is triangular), was also responsible for the complex derivatives that almost brought down the global banking system. Just in a lot more basic form, obviously.

Merry Christmas From Cowdenbeath...

2009-12-16T00:44:00.007Z

... says the sign on the newly-minted green where Ritz video used to be. As might be expected for a Fife ex-mining village in the seventh economic quarter of national recession (this quarter's results won't be known until January, but this blog bets a pound to the proverbial pinch of shit that we'll still be bumping along the bottom), household budgets for Christmas decorations have been steered towards other luxuries, like food. But that hasn't stopped some residents using ingenuity where others might use fairy lights. This picture was taken today. Spare a thought for those who live in this house, who felt it more important that the passersby saw the Xmas message daily, while they themselves, inside, got part of the script from a porn film. Though as with so many of the cultural peculiarities of Fife, this is likely to have been done in the blackest of black ironies. One can only hope the Prime Ministerial car, on its way to a local surgery, has cause to take the road behind the train station. This is your economic miracle, Gordon Brown. Tiny Tim, pass me another bit of that Iceland fake cake... you'll get used to the strange aftertaste, don't worry.

Recession will see Fife "return to ancient clans" says academic

2009-09-07T19:25:00.015+01:00

A leading social anthropologist at St. Andrews University has warned that a cutting back on government spending in recession-hit Central Fife could lead to the return of the clan structures of the region, with local people reverting to the tribal mentality of centuries ago.
William Magnusson, pictured, presented his vision of post-recession Fife in a paper at the Scottish Anthropologists Forum entitled “Raw Hedgehog and Blood Sacrifice – A Vision of 21st Century Fife”, which paints a picture of life for Fifers as very different to that of the one of modern conveniences such as the satellite television and carry outs which Fifers take for granted. In its stead he describes life for locals as one of group encampment on raised ground such as Hill of Beath for protection from warring clans, the abandonment of brick houses for warrens built into the hills (pictured left) and survival on a diet of rodents and raw hedgehogs. “When the currency-based economy fails, and it will,” affirms Magnusson, “locals will revert back to the semi-barbarian mentality of subsistence farming, homemade alcohol and cattle-rustling from enemy clans, and notions of electricity, literacy, and eating with cutlery will be things of the past. Meanwhile, a deterioration of language to a series of grunts will see thought further reduced to its most basic concepts. Some areas of Ballingry and Benarty are already half-way there”, he pointed out at the conference, “and all it will take will be for a Tory government to dispense with social security benefits, and these communities will have to find their own way. People will go back to what lies dormant in the collective unconscious. There will be no television, and a typical evening will see people reject the entertainments of civilisation, such as Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, in favour of more atavistic pastimes such as ritual slaughter for status within the tribe. (artist’s impression pictured below) It’s a frightening proposition, and one that a future Conservative government will need to consider when they lay out their spending plans for the next administration.”

"I saved Boy George once, but I couldn´t save him this time," says Cowdenbeath woman

2009-01-17T11:48:00.010Z

As close friends and family of Boy George line up to vent their frustration and worry in the tabloids at the singer´s jail sentence of fifteen months for falsely imprisoning a male escort, this blog has found a cry of anguish coming from a more unlikely source, a woman in Cowdenbeath (pictured below), whose tenuous link to the singer is nevertheless worthier of a mention in the mainstream media.
Lauren Macdonald, a nurse from the aforementioned Fife town, contacted this blog as soon as she heard about the sentence yesterday, because she wished us to let the world know of her upset that, this time, she wasn´t there for the man tried as George O´Dowd.

The first time Lauren was there for him was 8 years ago, when she and a friend were on a clubbing holiday in Ibiza, a summer the notorious self-publicist and homosexual was DJing there. "We had gone to Es Paradis, the biggest club in San Antonio, where Boy George was doing a set. I had coincidentally read in a magazine on the flight going out there that Boy George had declared to the media that he had finally given up drugs and he was clean, but when we saw him on the decks in Es Paradis, he was obviously off his tits. It goes without saying I was sad to see him in that state." Lauren then related the events which culminated in her encounter with the singer. "Me and the Viv (her friend Vivien Rideout) decided to leave the club at half eight (for those in doubt, she is referring to the morning), and we went through the main door, but as we were leaving we saw Boy George leaving through a side door with another smaller man, potentially his partner. We decided to go around the building to see him closer up."

But what turned out to be an innocent bit of star-spotting turned into an event that will remain with Lauren forever. "We just stood there, amazed, looking at him. He´s much taller than you´d think in real life. But then a big black guy came right up to him and started shouting threatening words. It looked like it was turning ugly. I could tell that Boy George, even though he´s six-foot-three and built like a tank, was far too out of it to defend himself, so naturally I got involved. I mean it´s Boy George!" Lauren ran up to the two men, and got between them, and turning to the black man, said "Whoa, whoa, mate! Dae ye no ken who this is? A wee bit ey respect for Boy George, eh?" The man, evidently taken aback by the vision of indignant and undoubtedly drink-fuelled Cowdenbeath womanhood standing before him, shuffled off, leaving the Fife girls and the erstwhile member of Culture Club to breathe a sigh of relief. Boy George then turned to her, shook her hand and thanked her for her intervention. Lauren, perhaps still feeling herself to be in the saviour-of-Boy-George role, then flagged down a taxi for him and his effeminate partner.

She looks back on the events of eight-years ago with a hint of regret. "It was obvious the path he was going down. Maybe I should have tried to stay in touch with him, and somehow I could have prevented this recent chain of events from reaching yesterday´s tragic conclusion. The intervening eight years haven´t been kind to any of us, to think, I was only a teenager back then, but it broke my heart to see that bloated, sad figure shambling into the court on the news. I just wish I could have been there to defend him in that courtroom."

Battle of the Cowdengelly cuties causes local unrest

2008-10-31T22:01:00.016Z

As Lochgelly beauty Kirsty Mcdaid gushed enthusiastically on local radio about making it into the “toap hunner” of the so-called “High Street Honeys” competition launched by men’s magazine FHM, a former local beauty queen from Cowdenbeath stirred up controversy yesterday by announcing to the Central Fife Times, who urged its readers to vote for Kirsty in this week’s edition, that Kirsty is “a bit ey a dug”, and that her beauty owes much to digital trickery. Yvonne Paterson, who was Cowdenbeath gala queen in 2006, lambasted the young nurse’s FHM photos in a barbed attack - “anybody can see thae photaes are touched up – she’d never win a beauty contest in real life like I did” - and by so doing has re-ignited rivalry between the two mining villages, both famed for the legendary beauty of their womenfolk, with insults being heard traded today in pubs, bus stations and chip shops all over Central Fife. Meanwhile, Kirsty herself has remained unavailable for comment, though sources close to her have insinuated that Ms Paterson, a single mother, has made these comments as a way of drawing attention to her own recent beauty win in a desperate bid to gain publicity for the modelling career which failed to take off after interest in her gala queen title subsided. “It’s pathetic really,” said one of this blog´s sources, “fellow Fifers should be offering support to young Kirsty’s ambition to become top Lad’s Mag wank-fodder, not tearing her efforts down. It’s just sour grapes if you ask me.” (To prevent any unnecessary readers´ doubts, we would like to point out Ms Paterson is the woman with the hot chip in her mouth.)

With thanks, as ever, to the Central Fife Times for the additional reporting.

Exclusive: Fife Council Spearheads "Unique" Deal with Iceland

2008-10-12T10:39:00.011+01:00

In a move guaranteed to irate fellow Fifer Gordon Brown, who in the wake of Iceland's refusal to cover foreign-based investor deposits has used terrorist legislation to freeze the country's assets in the UK, the management of Fife Council has shown that it is prepared to work unilaterally towards reheating chilly diplomatic relations with Iceland through a process of negotiation on how best to recoup its losses. The council, one of the 108 local governments in the UK who invested in an Icelandic savings scheme, is unwilling to reveal the exact amount of tax revenue deposited with Icesave, the online filial of Landsbanki, although it is rumoured to run into "several million", which would signify a great loss for the Kingdom. However, rather than wait for events to deteriorate further, a delegation from Fife Council has been working with bank officials under the supervision of Sigurjón Th. Arnason (pictured), CEO of Landsbanki to thrash out a deal which would result in suitable compensation. Even Geir Haarde, Prime Minister of Iceland, has been taking a keen interest in the Glenrothes-Reykjavik discussions, seeing potential global ramifications if an agreement goes through, not least because it may pave the ways for further deals and thus preclude the need for the multi-billion loan requested from Russia, a loan which could compromise Iceland´s geopolitical position and alter the balance of power within NATO. So what was the idea mooted in the Glenrothes council chambers which could have such far-reaching implications? "We have asked for the balance of payments in fish fingers", said Peter Grant (pictured), current leader of Fife Council, who is tipped to be standing for the SNP in the upcoming Glenrothes by-election. "It is not as daft as it sounds, as everyone knows the krona is a busted flush, and Brown is not guaranteeing the deposits made by organisations. Our thinking is that it's best to get in there first, before other bodies start to ask for payment in kind once they realise that they're not going to get it back in hard cash. We don't want to be the ones left holding the old Björk CDs. Anyway, everybody loves fish fingers, they're rich in protein, and they keep well." Canny observers of Scottish politics also see Grant's pragmatic negotiations with Iceland as a challenge to Brown's "clunking fist" handling of the crisis, and as a pointed display of political expertise to emphasise the already commented-upon lack of political experience possessed by Brown's choice for the upcoming by-election . "I've been to visit the Icelandic business consortium," says Grant, "and they're a great bunch of lads. They just got a bit ahead of themselves with the old banking thing, and now they realise they don't have the funds to pay back the 4 billion pounds that the UK invested with them - I mean, there are only 309,000 of them -that's like asking the kingdom of Fife to come up with that money. We won't see the cash, at least not in the short term, so we might as well be practical about things." Key parts of the deal, which due to its pioneering nature mean that Fife Council can be relatively demanding in its negotiations - "Only cod, we don´t want any of that hake nonsense, they can leave those to the Met." - are expected to be finalised on Monday, and while the unique compensation scheme might mean council workers be paid in fishy bonuses, it will also mean that care homes, schools and hospitals in the kingdom won´t have a problem deciding what to put on the menu.

Scotland´s GDP rests on "two burger vans in Kelty"

2008-10-09T19:11:00.016+01:00

As figures collated and analysed from the Scottish Local Authority strike of August 20th laid bare the massive dependence of Scotland´s economic strength on the public sector, academics at the University of Edinburgh have revealed that it is due to the cost of these public sector services, combined with a lack of local manufacturing base, that have caused Scotland´s net wealth creation in 2007 to be equivalent to that of two burger vans operating in Kelty. While the two mobile snack units in question (who together with a self-employed plumber in Methil make up Fife´s private sector) were pleased with the publicity the study afforded them, the findings have come at a time of great embarrassment for the Government, who are struggling to shore up Britain´s "weightless" financial economy with yet more finance scraped from already bankrupt state coffers. The study, entitled: From Pits to Paninis: An Overview of Scotland´s Toastie Economy, documents the macroeconomic trends of Scottish regions, and while lauding the micro-entrepreneurial efforts of the burger vans, it is especially critical of this fragile private sector´s ability to support Scotland´s ever-increasing bill for social care. (Photograph kind permission of David "Filled Rolls" McClellan.)

Now that the era of Lehman Brothers-style leverage banking is over, what to do with those leftover pin-stripe suits?

2008-10-09T19:01:00.006+01:00

I think Jack McConnell´s kilt designer may have the answer.... (regular readers will realise that the title is merely a bit of topical leverage of my own to publish a favourite photograph of one of our great statesmen - I particular like the fact that an amused Paw Broon is looking on in the background)

Brown: "Slowdown? Our UK economy can weather this global storm, just look at Cowdenbeath"

2008-08-26T20:37:00.015+01:00

Prime Minister Gordon Brown made the most of the platform provided to him by his Thursday visit to Benarty to speak out against the naysayers of his economic stewardship of Britain over the last 11 years. Firing broadsides at several news agencies for their coverage of the recent slowdown in the national economy, the MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath refuted news speculation of an imminent recession by using Central Fife as a glowing example of the success of the service and knowledge economy model that he has championed for the UK. Speaking from Benore Care Home in Lochore, where he was invited to open the facility (pictured), the self-styled prudent chancellor made veiled references to reports of zero economic growth in the second quarter of the year and speculation of recessionary negative growth over coming trimesters when he told local people: "With regards to the opinions of the tabloid editorials, which are impossible to avoid, yes, it is tempting to think that there is no smoke without fire, and that my record of 63 quarters of continuous growth are coming to an end. But such pessismistic talk of recession is due to a speculatory blip in the prices of oil and other commodities, which has caused inflation to go marginally beyond the unprecentedly low 2% target I set for the Bank of England, as well as a temporary contraction of the UK financial sector due to global pressure on inter-bank lending." Evidently sensing his carehome audience agog, Prime Minister Brown continued, "As we know, there is danger in reading too much into macroeconomic data, especially when it has not been seasonally adjusted, and in reading the doomsday headlines instead of using our eyes and ears to see the economic growth all around us. Here in my own constituency, I marvel at the miracle of the service sector economy in action, a third generation economy, based on services, knowledge and investment in human capital, something I am commited to. I see Cowdenbeath, a humble mining town of proud beginnings, and it supports no less than 7, yes 7 hairdressers shops, as well as having the disposible income to support 2 tanning salons. And I´m reliably informed that the money spent on gel nail infills and scratchcards would have even the most cautious analysts of the retail consortium shaking their heads in disbelief. Yet despite these continual rises in our living standards, there are those who say that we should go back to the dark days of primary and secondary sector economics of mining, agriculture, fishing and manufacture, thereby pulling the chair out from under the BRIC nations who are struggling to emulate our prosperity, and whose factory workers and miners dream that one day their great-grandchildren might work on an outsourced helpdesk for a car insurance comparison website. And I am tired of the negative talk of a "credit crunch", when our finance sector, which has provided the backbone of our post-Thatcherite economy, is still as buoyant as ever. Only last week, I received a letter at my constituency office in Cowdenbeath which invited me a loan on flexible repayment terms. I did not take up the offer from the people at Provident, but I am using it as an example to show of how, despite the headlines, the wheels of the British economy are turning as smoothly as ever, and the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

The Prime Minister then went on to extol the benefits of having yet another care home in Fife, which, by virtue of the large labour pool of single mothers and his own policy of tax credits, as well as resident fees paid by the councils in Scotland, will be another private enterprise largely subsidised by the taxpayer.

Incredible pictures of one of Fife´s last uncontacted tribes firing bows and arrows

2008-06-08T09:31:00.008+01:00

Skin painted bright red, heads partially shaved, arrows drawn back in the longbows and aimed square at the Leuchars light aircraft buzzing overhead. The gesture is unmistakable: Stay Away. Behind the two men stands another figure, possibly a woman, her stance also seeming defiant. Her skin painted dark, nearly black.

The apparent aggression shown by these people is quite understandable. For they are members of one of Fife´s last uncontacted tribes, who live in the dense woodlands bordering the ex-mining village of Kelty.

Thought never to have any contact with the outside world, not even to find out possible benefit entitlements, everything about these people is, and hopefully will remain, a mystery.

"We did the overflight to show their houses, to show that they are there, to show they exist," said Fife uncontacted tribes expert John Montgomery. "This is very important because there are some, who, as with the rumours of the puma in Kelty woods, doubt their existence."

Montgomery, who despite once being shot in the shoulder by an arrow fired by another tribe in Methil campaigns to protect these peoples, believes the groups numbers are increasing, and pointed out how strong and healthy the people seemed, unlike the "civilised" people in the bordering mining villages.

But other uncontacted groups in Fife and Tayside, whose homes have been photographed from the air, are in severe danger from illegal rambling, and teenage drinking parties, and their populations are being decimated. Even when there is no violence, the tribes can be wiped out by diseases like the common cold to which they have no resistance.

According to Miriam Ross of Survival International, which campaigns to protect the world´s remaining indigenous peoples, "These aboriginal Fifers represent the incredible diversity of humankind. Unless we want to condemn yet more of the Earth´s peoples to extinction, we must respect their choice. Any contact they have with outsiders must happen in their own time and on their own terms."

As to who these people are, how they live their lives, what language they speak - we know nothing. "Normally you can tell who the tribes in Fife and Tayside are by their language, how they wear their hair, how they adorn their bodies and so on, but in this case the photos don´t allow us to get close enough to see," says Ms Ross.

When anthropologists from St Andrews University first overflew the area, they saw women and children in the open and no-one appeared to be painted. It was only when the plane returned a few hours later that they saw these individuals covered head-to-toe in red. "Tribes in the East of Scotland have traditionally painted themselves for all kinds of different reasons - one of which includes when they feel threatened or aggressive," Ms Ross says.

"And they are almost certain to feel threatened by or aggressive towards a plane, which was where the photos were taken from. They are almost certain not to understand what the plane is - perhaps a spirit or a large bird."

Ms Ross went on to say, "These pictures are further evidence that aboriginal Fifers really do exist. The Scottish Executive needs to wake up to this, and ensure that Kelty woods is protected from ramblers and teenagers looking to take illicit substances outside of the village. Otherwise these tribespeople could soon be extinct."

For further information on Survival International, and its work to protect the indigenous peoples of Fife, please go to www.survival-international.org/fifeaborigines/

Cowdenbeath Imminent Toilet Closure Sparks Cultural Renaissance in Central Fife

2008-05-01T13:07:00.003+01:00

As any informed reader will be aware, so much has been written recently both in the local and national press about the Cowdenbeath Pit Road toilet saga that any exclusive news on the story would be hard to find, and rather than risk a counterproductive overexposure of the issue à la Madeleine McCann, the esteemed editors of this blog had decided to let the Central Fife Times take up the baton of championing the people´s cause. Until now that is, when this exciting exclusive arrived on our virtual newsdesk. For those readers who have been holidaying on Pitcairn Island over the past six months, the revelation that the Toilets have been earmarked for closure at the end of May will come as a shock, but they will be heartened to know that Cowdenbeathians have been putting up a strong fight with the council to keep the 57,000 pounds-a-year facility open. Not since the miners´strikes has such organised militancy been seen in the Beath, and Alex Haddow, chairman of Cowdenbeath Community Council is on the record as saying, "I´ve never seen so much strength of feeling -it´s really brought the community together." Passionate poems about what the public conveniences mean to locals have been written in to the Central Fife Times, and petitions started, yet despite the council´s recent announcement of a closure date for the civic comfort station, the Community Council have vowed to fight on until the bitter end. To quote Christine Gourley, secretary of the CCC, "We need to hound our councillors, if we don´t this town will go down the pan. Closing the public toilets could be the beginning of the end." (our italics). Rather than add to the worries of peak oil and global grain shortages with the apocalyptic vision of Thursday Market stallholders relieving themselves en masse behind Misfits, this blog can reveal that the CCC have decided to use a different weapon in their fight - the protest song. A well-placed source was present at the CCC meeting of last Thursday, and can reveal that a song has been planned for some time. "The CCC have been trying to rope in celebrities to the Save the Cowden Toilets campaign for a few months," said our mole, "and naturally, we thought of George Michael - he could maybe have been persuaded to do a cover of his song Outside. Cos it´s about public toilets, ken?" He added, helpfully. "He could have given it a Cowden flavour by calling it "Ootside". We´ll never know if he´d have helped though, cos Alex kiboshed the idea, saying his didn´t want the Pit Road facilities to be associated with homosexuals." Instead the musical style decided at last Thursday´s meeting, after rejecting an offer from local band 96 Tears, and in keeping with the area´s traditional socialist leanings, was that of the 1970s Chilean protest song.

Robert McBride, a retired painter and decorator from Johnstone Park, and self-styled Victor Jara, has volunteered to step into the breach. "It sparked a revolution in Chile - the people getting behind one man and one guitar. I´ll be singing about big themes, love, community, social justice, Cowdenbeath´s toilets, in front of the Town Hall and in front of the toilets themselves, so that people will rise up and say no to this outrage." He added quickly, perhaps wary of the current government´s policy of 28-day detention without charge, "I´m not wanting revolution or that, by the way. I just don´t want the toilets to be closed down." Ideas were also mooted at the meeting for Beath High School seniors to do a mural under the railway bridge, and for the local women´s guild to do a "memorial quilt", but with the theme being the Cowdenbeath toilets, as opposed to San Francisco Aids victims. As our insider said - "This whole Pit Road toilet affair has brought out a creative side to Cowdenbeathians that has been lying dormant, just waiting for the moment to bring it to light. This is an exciting time to be living in the town."

*With thanks to the Central Fife Times for the additional reporting.

Cowden Cabbie Says Hollywood Starlets “Ruining His Cab”

2007-12-13T14:57:00.000Z

It´s never a quiet news week for Fife bloggers, and this week the virtual newsdesk was rocked by a Cowdenbeath taxi-driver alleging that Hollywood celebrities are adversely affecting his business, albeit indirectly. Alec MacKenzie, a part-time driver with Wullie´s Taxis, has complained to local media that the trend for young female stars in Hollywood to go clubbing without underwear has spread to the ex-mining towns of Central Fife, with disastrous results for his cab´s upholstery. “They (his clients) can´t copy the Ferraris, the designer clothes, or the trail of paparrazi,” said Alec, 53 “but they can copy their idols by not wearing scants.” Ever the canny Scot, Alec added phlegmatically, “It wouldn´t be so bad if the hygiene was there, but oftentimes it´s not. Sometimes I get the impression it´s been a few days, or at least they´re going out straight after a hard shift. I find myself having to keep a packet of Wet Ones in the glove compartment to give the seat a quick dicht after they get out, to stop the plastic from perishing.” Far from accepting accusations of exaggeration, Alec reveals that several local cab firms have sought to apply rules of a fine for the worst offenders. “It sounds like a joke, but it´s not funny. I dropped a couple of lassies off at the Ballroom just this Friday gone, and they were just in wee dresses. The smell would call you out, and you´ve got to think about the folk getting straight in afterwards – I don´t always get a chance to get to the Wet Ones in time.” Alec would not accept that this blog´s insinuation that the phenomenon was not as widespread as he was claiming, as he shot back at us “A´body kens that whatever happens in Hollywood ends up happening here eventually, and the Britney and her pals are jeopardising my livelihood with their nonsense – I mean, who wants to get into a taxi when it reeks of prawn cocktail crisps?

Nae spune lang enough?

2007-09-28T23:43:00.000+01:00

Following recent reports of a "tea" between Margaret Thatcher and Gordon Brown, this blog wonders how long the spoon in question would have to be for a third party to risk a sup with baith at once.

One man´s quest to get to the truth...

2007-04-13T21:15:00.003+01:00

Few things are as endearing in a grown man as a sound knowledge of crisps, and gwr, a regular reader of this blog, is so passionate about crisps that he wrote to me in the hope that by posting his views here about what has gone wrong with the British crisp industry, the Government might sit up and take notice. Given their laissez-faire attitude over Iraq, the British manufacturing base, and educational standards over the last 10 years, I initially harboured doubt that an internet-based rant would influence government to bring back the Hard Cheese Nik-Nak. Yet something was compelling in gwr's story and we agreed to meet in a public place. He insisted on anonymity – “The British Crisp Industry is worth two billion pounds a year, and I don't want to be fingered as the guy blowing it apart. I don't want to be the next Dr. Kelly.” – and as I listened to his story and the results of his findings, what first appeared to the ravings of a fruitloop from Cowdenbeath quickly became apparent as perhaps the story of the year were details to emerge.
Gwr himself admits it started innocuously enough. “I just decided one day that enough was enough, and it was about time that Golden Wonder were banged to rights.” However, not realising the path his enquiries would take, gwr didn't save the original email he sent to the company on their website. “It was stupid, I know” he admits, “but in my innocence I just assumed they would listen, and do the right thing.” However, when it became clear that the company had fobbed him off with a standard answer, gwr wrote again, this time taking care to save the email he sent, which he entitled “crisp democracy” (a copy of which is recreated below) –
Product feedback/query

Dear golden wonder, im surprised you are still trading, i heard that you had went 'tits up',but i see your products are still adorning the shelves in my local shops so i assume you are still functioning somehow. Anyway my reason for writing is this...a while back i emailed you with a query regarding the sudden and somewhat mystifying disappearance of golden wonder 'original cheese' nik-naks from this countries shop shelves,and i received what i consider to be a pretty unsatisfactory 'stock' reply about highest standards,regular taste consultations ..blah,blah.blah,etc. All i can say is it breaks my heart in two to see a crisp icon like golden wonder, who have fed me so many delicious savoury treats down the years, crash and burn at the feet of jack walker,who has wotsits and quavers and monster munch now,this mans legacy is a force that if left unchecked could soon swallow up the entire british crisp/snack network!, a scary thought indeed .but how can you begin to fight back when you wont listen to quality advice like mine and ditch cream and cheesy ,and return to original cheese format which was so obviously superior it makes me tear my hair out when i think of people being paid for their tastebuds when theyve obviously no taste at all ,also quickly the original golden wonder cheese flavouring for your standard potato crisps,(this flavour disappeared around the mid nineties,to be replaced by todays strong cheese and black specky flavour)was another case in point. YOU ARE MISSING A FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY HERE,walkers cheese and onion are shit, but yours arent much better,if you released the same nik-naks and cheese and onion crisps of the late eighties,you would make a KILLING,anyway this momentous dilemma rests in your hands,dont waste it.i look forward to your correspondance (REAL CORRESPONDANCE THIS TIME),please dont make me eat walkers,yours faithfully gwr

“I thought this time I'd get a response, some kind of apologia to say “Yeah, we fucked up – we'll look into things.” But this time I got nothing, and I began to think that maybe dark forces were working within the company, to bring it down from the inside. So I started to dig deeper, and about that time I went ex-directory.” His campaign to see the original hard cheese Nik-Nak brought back took him to research on the internet, where he found, to his disbelief, that “there were actually people out there who were totally bigging up the Cream & Cheesy flavour. I mean, you just wouldn't. They were obviously company plants – trying to masquerade as grass-roots internet democracy by telling the people that everything´s ok, that the Hard Cheese has been phased out cos nobody likes it, and not to trust their tastebuds.” He spoke at length about what he had found out, insider stock options, meetings in carparks, and as he spoke I realised that I was in a presence of a man who was truly serious about crisps, although he is also, by his own admission, a man with a lot of time on his hands. His desire for credibility however, was tempered by a desire for his own safety, and he declined to give concrete names, dates or facts to this blog, fearing reprisals. “I'm not daft – I know M15 tap phones and hack into emails, but it´s not over yet, not by a long way. I feel somebody or something doesn't want me to know about the real reason behind the demise of hard cheese, but I'll find out. I´ve got time on my side. They know that – I've got to work, and work fast, you can't fuck around with the likes of United Biscuits and Tayto – if you go to sleep, they'll fuck you over doublequick.”
However, as the British crisp industry now mirrors British politics – a virtual monopoly, overshadowed by the multinationals who fund it, this blog fears that gwr's wish for his favourite extruded corn snack “It's not like I want to bring a brand back, just a flavour”, will be as unrealised as those who believe that government will really listen to them and not the companies who dominate the global markets.

Cowdenbeath Apologises For Slave Trade

2007-03-25T23:15:00.000+01:00

Cowdenbeath Central councillor Alex Maxwell (pictured right) has weighed into the controversy surrounding Tony Blair´s recent refusal to apologise for the UK´s erstwhile role in slavery practices. Speaking within the town, he expressed condemnation of a government only willing to express “deep regret” for the UK´s actions in its former Caribbean colonies. Luckily reporters of this blog were available to listen to his views, which are soon also to be published in his famous newsletter to the burgh, and Cllr. Maxwell is on the record as saying – “I am disgusted that Tony Blair, along with his PFI fiend Brown, is not prepared to say sorry for our actions in one of the most shameful and uncomfortable chapters in British history, but it does not surprise me.” The Democratic Left politician added, “In light of this, although it is not sufficient, in their place I would like to extend a full and frank apology to all those descendents of the slaves concerned, on behalf of my constituents of Cowdenbeath. It is the least we can do.”

Morbid thoughts.

2007-03-03T14:02:00.002Z

Embedded in popular culture is the apocryphal testament of those who, on being brought back from the brink of death, recount a fast-flowing montage of scenes from their life flashing before their eyes as they travel through the tunnel towards the heavenly light of the afterlife. The highest points of their entire existence, their first kiss, their wedding day, the birth of their children fill their retina with the immediacy of the moment once lived, fluttering by each other in miliseconds before their consciousness resumes and the pin-prick of light glimpsed at the end of the tunnel converts to the light of the living world. What worries me is that, as I have no real life to speak of, certainly no emotional high-points, the tableaux that would flash before my eyes would be stuff like George Galloway in a leotard, or this vision of a young naked Boyzone in bed together. Certainly nothing to persuade me not to keeping moving towards the light. God, this is depressing. I´m off to the pub.

Adam Smith Stages Controversial Local Version of Brokeback Mountain

2007-02-09T12:56:00.004Z

The Adam Smith Theatre is bracing itself for a firestorm as management have bravely given the go-ahead for The Fife Independent Theatre Company to perform a locally adapted version of the Hollywood film Brokeback Mountain. Called simply “Hill of Beath Hill”, the play, inspired by the cinematic cult-smash of 2005, touchingly charts the story of two local football players who turn to each other for solace in the wake of league relegation, and find that the bond they share is deeper than anything they have known with their teammates in the Blue Brazil dressing room. Frightened of being ostracised by friends and family, the two camp out on Hill of Beath Hill when the opportunity arises, using the time together to explore their burgeoning love, but are ever wary of the risk of being discovered. Without wishing to spoil the ending, the play is similarly tragic in its denouement, and there are steamy scenes which are guaranteed to provoke complaints from theatre regulars, many of them the pensioners who enjoy the sedate tea dances in the adjoining Wemyss Tearoom. It is also certain that there will be voices raised in the local press, as undoubtedly many will feel that the stage which is also hosting The Singing Kettle and Dunnikier Primary´s version of The Wizard of Oz is no place for young men in Cowdenbeath football strips performing graphic homosexual acts. But Adam Smith Theatre manager Sheila Thompson was adamant in her decision to promote the production. She told this blog: “It is exceedingly difficult to secure work from theatre companies aimed at a grown-up audience in theatres outside of the capital, and the rarity of the production being from both an independent and local company makes this production very exciting for the Adam Smith. If this show proves to be a success, it may even have a knock-on effect on local hostelries and B&Bs as coach parties come from all over the UK to see the play."

Those Glorious Gazetteers of Fife!

2007-02-08T11:43:00.001Z

Aye, there are those who have criticised the faithful reporting of Fife-based news on this blog as being somewhat surreal, but to my critics I say, Look, I only know what I believe, and if you look at the printed press of the area you will find this blog a meticulous chronicle of current events in comparison. A few weeks before Christmas the Central Fife Times boasted a front page which set a new benchmark in quality journalism. To evoke the greatness of its inception I shall recreate a conversation that probably took place in the Central Fife Times newsroom in Lochgelly the Tuesday evening before they went to press.

CFT Editor – So, Jim, another news-filled week to report on. What are our top stories?
Chief Reporter – Well, I thought we should lead on a piece inspired by a source of mine in the Pentagon.
CFT Editor – Sounds interesting – what’s it about?
Chief Reporter – Well, according to my secret but reliable source, before the war Blair discussed with major oil companies the effect that a war with Iraq would have on petrodollars, and then invested strategically in companies who would benefit from the reconstruction.
CFT Editor – Hmmm. What else?
Chief Reporter – Well, there´s that, and a tip-off given to me by an old University friend who now works in divorce law that a colleague of his is processing a secret split between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and he hints that there will be arguments over custody, as Brad wants the lighter-coloured kids. Would be a major scoop for the Times!
CFT Editor – Hmmmm. Do either of them have distant relatives from the Kingdom?
Chief Reporter – Er, not that I know of.
CFT Editor – Ok, so, what else is there?
Chief Reporter – Er... A 45-year-old woman from Stewart Crescent rang in to us to tell us about how she phoned the fire brigade because her engagement ring was a bit too tight. She was concerned about her circulation because she´s already had three strokes. They went to her house and cut the ring off her finger.
CFT Editor – Are there photos?
Chief Reporter – Yes, of her glumly holding up the ring.
CFT Editor – Bingo! Those bastards at the Fife Leader will be bealing. Great work, Jim!
Chief Reporter – Aye.

Bash St. Kids "perfect example of classroom inclusion" says Education MSP

2007-02-05T22:09:00.002Z

Incredulous journalists sat in the gallery to witness yet another uproar during the Scottish Parliament session yesterday when Hugh Henry, the Labour MSP who is also Minister for Education and Young People, defended his party´s education policy of "inclusion" by citing The Bash Street Kids comic strip as the perfect example of the policy at work. Henry´s speech to those present, underlining that "classrooms cannot be set aside from society as a whole, and it is there that children learn about tolerance and difference in others", used the popular Beano cartoon strip to illustrate his point. Henry remarked - "You may see this as a light-hearted aside, but in The Bash Street Kids we see how inclusion in a modern day classroom can succeed. By being together from a young age, we can see how children accept difference, be that difference in physical size, attractiveness, or learning ability. These young children will go out into the world, and take the values that Class 2B has given them."
But the Scottish Tories were quick to rip into Henry´s ideas. Murdo Fraser MSP, of the Scottish Conservative shadow cabinet, had got up to reply before the Labour speaker even had the chance to sit down."Indeed, Mr Henry, they do see difference - but are learning outcomes achieved? I believe that you are correct in stating that The Bash Street Kids are a perfect example of real-life inclusion, as there is a glaring lack of learning support for Erbert, who has severe visual impairment, and Wilfred, who, if read from an educational psychologist´s point of view, is within the spectrum of mild autism. Not to mention Smiffy, who is an intellectual vegetable. Please tell me Mr Henry, how you propose Teacher prepare a lesson in which he can combine advanced algebra for Cuthbert Cringeworthy with a lesson on what colour the sky is for Smiffy?" To the laughs of his fellow MSPs Fraser continued, "This woolly-minded thinking is reminiscent of the one-sized-fits-all dumbing-down of our system. The only reason the classroom isn´t a place of bullying and harrassment from attention-deficit-disordered Danny is because Bash St School, unlike modern comps, still has corporal punishment."
To the cheers of other ministers, including many in the Labour seats, an emboldened Tommy Sheridan got up to comment. "It´s not like me to agree with the Tories, but Murdo´s right - the Labour policy of inclusion is a joke - in real-life it IS like Bash Street, a sin-bin which throws bright working-class kids in with all the mongs and windae-lickers of the day, thereby wasting their potential and emperilling Scotland´s future."

Mair Dreams....

2007-01-24T19:53:00.000Z

Aye, the dreams are coming in thick and fast. Here´s one from further afield, from Tayside in fact:

"Dear Psychic Betty,
Last week I had a dream about the snooker-player Steve Davis and since then I´ve been unable to get it out of my mind. I dreamt that he was busy doing practice shots, but that I was desperate to give him oral sex, and I did manage to turn him away from the table long enough to open his fly and get on my knees, but the erection that came out of his trousers was unnaturally large, with skin of orangey-coloured rubber, and a bell-end shaped like a lemon, and indeed the size of a lemon, and I was unable to get it all in my mouth (though, God knows, it wasn´t for lack of trying!). The alarm clock went off and I woke up, and I´m ashamed to say I hit the snooze quickly in trying not to lose the thread of my Steve Davis/mammoth but deformed willy/oral sex dream. Do you think this dream has a greater significance for humanity? I attach a jpeg file of my scrunchie so that you can get a better insight into my life."

Psychic Betty writes:
"Dear Jess of Dundee,
Sometimes I really do despair. The Scottish Executive spends millions on healthy eating campaigns, and yet the message still doesn´t get through. This dream is simply due to a chronic shortage of micronutrients selenium and manganese in your food intake, as well as vitamin B12. Your current diet of Pickled Onion Monster Munch, macaroon bars and Aftershock is not fulfilling your daily requirements of these nutrients. I suggest you speak to your local GP for health eating advice and a general health check."

They all sell out in the end...

2007-01-21T13:49:00.000Z

Passing by the videoshop the other day, I was dismayed when I glanced at the poster (opposite) on the sandwich board outside, advertising Garfield 2, and thought to myself, "Christ, John Cleese´s career has hit a new low," since we all know Cleese has carved out a nasty little niche for himself in Hollywood playing stiff-upper-lipped English gentry foils in Hollywood comedy straight-to-video shitfests. You can imagine my horror then on looking closer at the poster and realising that it is, in fact, Billy Connolly, now trying to muscle in on Cleese´s unenviable role of British comedy hero who has sold his soul to the worst producers in Hollywood, the type who make films according to demographic, and the scripts of which are probably system-generated and supervised by Koreans. Garfield 2. Were sufficient questions left unanswered from the first film to merit a "2"? Or is it just another franchise being cynically milked to the point of mastitis? Of course, I am not with a section of the Scottish population who would have preferred Billy Connolly to have died of alchoholism and thus be transformed into a Kurt Cobain of Scottish comedy, his legacy of genius forever preserved in vinyl, untarnished by subsequent vanity and moneygrabbing projects, rather than to have seen him marry that blonde piece who was never funny, subsequently move to LA, try to peddle his Scottishness in a substandard sitcom (we can all remember the tartan tammy for the dot in the "i" in the title sequence of Billy), and see his comedy bloat with laziness and self-indulgence. No, I am not saying he should have been done the right thing and died young. But Garfield 2?

A Rosyth man has a dream for Betty

2007-01-15T21:40:00.001Z

Thank you for all of your dream contributions this week. Please note that Psychic Betty will not accept photographs of dreamers´erectile tissue to aid her in her work, although other body parts will be accepted.

The letter picked out of the bulging cyber postbag today comes from Garry in Rosyth. He writes:

"Dear Psychic Betty,
Over the last few months I have been dreaming that I am a beautiful butterfly, a red admiral, and I flutter about happily, but instead of landing on flowers to suck out their sweet nectar, I alight on the rippling bodies of naked young men to sup upon their lightly salted sweat and soak up their heady hormonal perfume. I am a happily married man and work as an office manager. Does my dream mean I'm gay? I attach a picture of my office stapler in the hope you will get some vibes off it."

Psychic Betty replies:
"Dear Garry,
We both know that you have been repressing your bi-curiosity for years now, and repression will always find its outlet in our dreams. However, although I am a firm advocate of expressing the full and beautiful range of our complex sexuality, I do advise that you don´t do it in Fife, or people will talk. I'm getting a vibe off the attachment you´ve sent me that they´re starting to talk now anyway, but the best thing would be to do it somewhere else, like Livingston. More interesting to me however, is the fact that you've sent me a picture of your office stapler as your meaningful object. I feel that your job as a manager is very important to you, but that you're floundering in the role due to lack of experience, and inability to implement a system. I see in my third eye that there is a man you work with... I am getting an aura around him... an aura of Lambert and Butler, and I think he may be Welsh. Listen to this man, he is very wise in the ways of management and you could learn a lot from him. In the meantime, I wish you luck in your quest to find yourself (and remember, always rubber up)."

Another dreamer writes:

2007-01-08T20:58:00.001Z

"Dear Psychic Betty,
Last night I dreamt that an aging Freddy Starr was hacking up saliva and dribbling it into my intimate orifices as a prelude to lovemaking. I am unmarried and work in a contact centre. What could this mean?"
Donna L, Halbeath

Psychic Betty writes:
"As strange as this sounds, this is not a dream about sex. You are being pressured at work to cross-sell related products when customers call with queries, and this is causing you apprehension, as you feel that you are going to have to adopt a charismatic persona, to "perform" to win customers' confidence. I sense that you are quite shy, and these sudden demands on you are making you nervous. Have a talk to your line manager about these issues, and see if s/he will let you listen in our sales calls to introduce to the world of selling gradually."

Fresh out of our Psychic Cyber-Postbag

2007-01-08T20:45:00.001Z

Our first dream comes from Craig S, of Kirkcaldy, in Fife:
"Hi Psychic Betty,
I just thought I'd write, because I've been having some very strange dreams recently (but also I find you very attractive, so thought I might get a date out of this - unless my dreams turn out that I'm a psychotic pervert I suppose!). Anyway, the last vivid dream that I remember, though bits of it are a bit hazy now, involved me getting married to someone, though I'm not sure who. But that's by the by, the main part that I am very unsure about was that at one part, I was walking down the street and it started to rain torrentially.There was a man walking his dog, and the dog got swept by the rain in to a river, and was drowning. Then the dog burst up out of the river, and all seemed fine, until I realised that it was in fact a different dog. So, what had happened to the initial dog? It was at that point I woke up, so never saw the conclusion to this cliff hanger. Can you help?
I have been tormented by these visions for several weeks now, and so would appreciated some clarity.
Best Regards you foxy chick you,
Craig"
Psychic Betty writes:
"Aye, Craig, you're lucky I'm psychic, because I can sense that your flirting is tongue in cheek - you're young enough to be my grandson, and anyway, I can tell your heart is already embroiled elsewhere. In fact, this is what your dream is concerned with - relationships and appearances. Your dream is telling you that there has been a very important relationship in your life, a girl who you thought was the one, and of whom there could be no other, and you have been surprised to find that you are feeling the same way about someone else. Your consternation comes from the fact that you are not sure how you still feel about the first girl, as you didn´t think there could be anyone else to rival her, and if this new desire for the new person is the real thing, and this desire fills you with anxiety, because it could change your whole perception of yourself and reality. But you have to decide this in your waking life unfortunately, as your dream gives you no answers - you wake up before anything else happens to tell you how you might feel. By the way, I get the feeling that the first girl is a redhead, though I could be wrong."

New Feature: Fife´s Foremost Psychic Dream Doctor will decipher YOUR dreams!

2006-12-19T20:07:00.001Z

If this blog, upon its inception, had decided to issue a mission statement it would have been, as can no doubt be deduced from these many cyber-pages, "to inform our readers of world events in Fife, and indeed beyond, and to provide enlightening commentary from a Fife-based perspective on otherwise perplexing geopolitical events". Without wishing to blow any trumpets, our many readers will agree that so far these objectives have been roundly achieved. However, thanks to the collaboration of a respected friend and professional, Betty Mitchell from Cardenden (opposite), we shall now be adding the aim of "providing our readers with insight into their subconscious minds through the analysis of their dreams, aided by psychic cues sent by email attachment."
Betty Mitchell, or as many know her, "Psychic Betty", has long been active in the Fife area as a psychic, diviner, spiritualist, reiki master, crystal healer and dream doctor. Her ouija board sessions in Methil are legendary amongst their participants and, as well as being known for her conversations with Elvis, Jimmy Shand and, most recently, George Best, she possesses an SVQ in Dream Analysis (Merit) from Bowhill Centre for Adult Education. It is an admiration for this blog which has brought her to lend her invaluable services to its readers, as well as a financial incentive in the face of her hours at Munro's the Cleaners being cut back. We therefore take this opportunity to welcome Betty aboard the team, and we invite our readers to send her details of the dreams that they wish analysed, via email, to the following address - thedreamdoctor@hotmail.co.uk As Betty has a third eye, she has also asked that, if possible, readers send a digital photo of a personal possession for a psychic dimension to the dream analysis.
We hope that with this venture we gain a greater interactivity with our readers so, come on, fill our cyber-postbag!

(Terms and Conditions: By submitting an email to The Dream Doctor, readers are agreeing that their email may be published on this blog, although we will honour any requests for anonymity. No individual correspondence will be entered into.)

Britney Spears´ Crotch Wins Multi-Million Contract with BBC

2006-12-17T19:01:00.001Z

The global sensation caused by singer Britney Spears' recent crotch display could rightly be compared to that of a religious revelation, with the print media going into a frenzy, and servers all over the globe crashing en masse in response to the millions of internet hits from individuals looking to know what they thought would always remain unknowable, the sight of Britney Spears'minge. The comparison of La Spears´ clear hamburger shot to paparazzi with that of seeing the face of God is not as heretical as it sounds, given that postmodern society reveres celebrities as divine beings, with the consequence that individuals have poured themselves over (sometimes literally) every pixel of those camera shots with the devotion and awe that a medieval knight may have clutched the relics of St James. It follows, of course, that with everything in our global society available for a price, the pudenda in question has already secured an agent, and has launched itself as a celebrity in its own right, looking to distance itself from Britney Spears the singer, whom it considers a star in freefall.
What is a surprise however, is that it is the BBC who has taken an interest in this newly-minted celeb, perhaps because Britney Spears' vulva itself has been looking to the liberal, secular, English-speaking shores of Great Britain, free of the Christian Right of the US who would undoubtedly have reservations about a celebrity twat hosting a chat show. British viewers, who have long had the misfortune to suffer talentless cunts such as Jonathan Ross and Graham Norton hogging the airwaves, are unlikely to protest at yet another joining the ranks, although the matter does remain of how much money the BBC contract is worth. After all, it is licence payers' money.
However, the controller of BBC1 programming, Jana Bennett, was quick to refute our assertion that a multi-million golden handcuff deal with Britney's lovelips was not good way to spend our licence fee. "I can't tell you how much the deal is worth, however I can say that it is commensurate with current market rates. And I can say that Britney Spears´ crotch is very talented, funny, deceptively well-informed on current affairs, and a surprisingly good conversationalist, all things considered. We are exploring avenues with its agent re show formats; as with Graham Norton, it´s a case of finding the right vehicle. We may even do a current affairs show. Whatever is decided, we're confident Britney Spears´s snatch will be breathing new life into our Spring schedules." And Bennett remained defensive about the fee that the flange would receive. "Even if it was 5 million, which I'm not saying it is, that's far less than (Jonathan) Ross's deal of 18 million. Look, everything in the BBC costs shitloads - it took the licence fee for the whole of Leicester to fund Noel Edmonds' hairdressing bill in the early nineties, for God's sake! Those were a lot of blonde highlights"
But not everyone in Broadcasting House was as flippant about such profligate spending. Jeremy Paxman, who has long been a campaigner against the "dumbing-down" of the BBC, was aghast when we told him of Auntie's proposal to have Britneys Spears' genitals anchoring a current affairs show. "Oh, now, this is gone beyond the pale!" said Cambridge-educated Paxman. "Britney Spears' gash fielding questions about the UN's role in the Middle East? And don´t tell me that celebrity fuckflaps could master the intricacies of the West Lothian Question. This has to be some kind of sick joke. Surely it´s for BBC3 or something."
But no, Britney Spears' front bottom is destined for prime-time viewing. Only time will tell if the contract has been money well spent, and the BBC have talent-spotted a new Letterman, or if indeed, this is another televisual concept that would have been best left to Channel 4.

Doubts cast on Lionel Richie assault claim in Llansamlet Tesco

2006-12-07T23:14:00.000Z

Readers will be familiar with the story which made the national press last week, of the middle-aged Swansea woman declaring that she had been assaulted in the 9-items-or-less queue of Llansamlet Tesco by singer Lionel Richie, who had been standing behind her with a basket of various groceries, amongst them a bottle of Toilet Duck and a net of oranges. His ire, reportedly provoked by hearing the woman sing "Say You, Say Me" to herself, led to him shaking her and shouting. "You stupid bitch, those ain´t the words." The story seemed too implausible to be true, not least for the lack of witnesses to the assault, but with Richie´s people unwilling to comment, and CCTV in the shop showing a large-featured man of apparent mixed-race shaking a woman before dropping his basket and walking out, there has been no incontrovertible verification of the story being false either. Rather than see the Welsh blogosphere continue with the Richie race hate that this incident has generated ("If I get my hands on the black bastard I´ll wring his neck." reported one misguided blogger from Neath), this blog decided to find out the truth behind the allegation, by visiting the woman, Eileen Rideout, in her home in nearby Morriston for an interview.
We were greeted at the door by Eileen´s husband, Stephen, and he ushered us in warmly. "Come in and have a cup of tea! You´re the third lot of reporters we´ve had today. Eileen´s resting up in bed at the minute, her poor nerves are shot to pieces, but I can tell you all about it." Guided into the couple´s cosy terraced home, our reporters noticed a variety of wigs and props on the sofa. "Oh, just move them to one side," said Mr. Rideout, "and make yourself comfortable. I´ll get the kettle on and be with you in a minute."
Stephen Rideout´s description of the incident had obviously become slick in the constant retelling, and we had barely reached for a biscuit when we realised that no further light could be shed on events that fateful day from such a second-hand source. But Mr. Rideout was adament that his wife would not come down to speak to us. "This has been hell for her," he said. "There have been cameras, and microphones, and she hates the limelight. Just as well one of us is experienced in dealing with the media."
We asked Mr. Rideout, an ex-Royal Navy seaman, to explain his comment. "Oh, I´m in showbusiness, see. I do impersonations, a bit of singing, a bit of comedy. It´s an all round variety act." Before we could reply he had grabbed the aviator´s helmet amongst the costume clothing strewn across the settee, and started cracking the sort of jokes unsuitable for a family blog. "This is me as Roy Chubby Brown." With his dreadful comedy timing, and disconcerting inability to remember the endings of gags, our reporters struggled not to make eye contact with each other in embarrassment, though Stephen seemed oblivious, and was happy for a photograph to be taken. Emboldened by the attention, he then left the room, and after a few minutes we heard the name "Sharon!" being wailed through the smoky glass of the living room door. He came in dressed as seen in the photograph below. "And this is me as Ozzy." he said. "I also sing a couple of his songs as part of the show." Lionel Richie´s supposed assault on our interviewee´s wife was clearly the last thing on Stephen´s mind, leading our reporters to conclude that the Lionel Richie story was most likely a feeble attempt for Mr. Rideout to promote his "variety" act on the back of the pull of the Richie name to attract headlines as well as curious, unwitting journalists to his Swansea home. Leaving before the Welshman could switch on the karaoke machine, apparently unconcerned for his ailing wife upstairs, our reporters decided that the key to establishing the veracity of the "Lionel Richie in Llansamlet" story was to investigate Mr. Rideout himself.
We were lucky to find a local showbiz commentator who would speak to us for further elucidation on the topic. "I have the misfortune to say I have seen his act, and it really is quite poor." said David Evans, cultural critic for the South Wales Evening Post. "Only the most desperate of rugby clubs would book this man, and even then on a mid-week basis. I imagine that bookings are thin on the ground, and this story has come to light as a desperate bid for publicity. It´s his wife I feel sorry for really, getting dragged into it. Only yesterday I hear she was hounded by a paparazzo from the Llanelli Star."

Outspoken Muslim Cleric finds business booming amongst the "infidels" of Cowdenbeath

2006-12-06T19:37:00.000Z

Following tabloid outrage last month at the comments made by now notorious imam Mohammed Al-Shazim about the people of Cowdenbeath, there were calls from MSPs to locals to boycott the small off-license he has recently opened there, to show that intolerance has no place in the liberal, relativistic heartland of Central Fife. But despite the outrage in the press, local journalists were surprised to find that the hafiz´s shop is busier than ever. Were not his comments about locals being punished in hellfire and being made to quench their thirst with pus from superating wounds enough to send Cowdenbeathians looking to buy their Friday night cairry-oot down to Somerfields? We decided to ask some of the customers queuing outside Mr Al-Shazim´s shop what they thought of the coverage of the Imam´s proclamation.
"Ocht, he´s a well-meaning bloke," said pensioner John Harrower, 68. "He might have been a bit extreme, but he´s been in Fife 35 years now, and we´re known to get straight to the point."
Linda Gates, 42, was equally as pragmatic. "I´m not a big one for religion," she said. "And maybe that means my babies will have their heads ripped off by demons, or whatever it was he said. But then I know the papers can exaggerate things as well."
With locals apparently unfazed by the furore unleased by the press, we decided to look further into the imam´s statement to see if there was an explanation for the success in his new business venture. To our surprise we found that only one news source, Scotland Today, broadcast the entire statement unedited - newspapers and national news stations had only touched upon the more violent snippets in the form of soundbites. (Text in brackets have been added by an interpreter to aid comprehension)
"When Israfil sounds the horn for the Yawm al-Qiyamah (the day of last judgement), there shall indeed be a day of pining for the Fajarah (wicked evildoers) of this faithless town, where there are no Dhimmi (People of the Book, ie. Muslims, Jews or Christians) whom shall be guided into Jannah (heaven). Ya ayuhalathina kafaru! (O ye who disbelieve!) There can be no excuse that you can give to Allah, your qadi (judge) on the day of Qiyamah - every fasiq (morally corrupt person) of the Beath will be cast into Jahannam (hell) through lending their ear to the whisperings of Iblis (the devil). Not for the kaafir (infidel) the pleasures of the eternal virgins of Jannah, no, the Khati´un (damned) of Cowdenbeath shall taste but the Ad-Dhari (bitter thorned fruits shaped like devils´ heads) of the Zaqqum (the thorned tree which grows in hell), which shall churn in their bellies like boiling oil, tearing them apart and releases bodily fluids, fluids which they can only replenish by the drinking of Ghislin (foul pus from their wounds). Oh, to every kaafir of Cowden, I beseech thee, repent, lest at the day of judgement your children become hoary headed, your womenfolk miscarry, and your previously healed wounds reappear! Without the grace of The Benificent, your skin will be burned off eternally by Shaitan (Satan), boiling water forced down your throat, and your bowels ripped apart! In this life however, I urge you to cast your eye upon my wares - I am offering 20 Lambert and Butler for a price-busting 4.35, and a half bottle of Grants for 4.60. If I were not such a religious man I would declare it work of the jinns, but this is through the grace of Allah, who has commanded me to proclaim a jihad on Somerfield´s high prices. Allah Akbar!"

Cowdenbeath cited as "contributing factor" in Mills-McCartney divorce

2006-11-30T06:41:00.003Z

The name of the Fife town of Cowdenbeath has turned up in some unexpected places over the years, usually in connection with its dubious fame as the home of the "Blue Brazil" football team. But it was fame of a different kind which lead to Cowdenbeath being named in the bitter divorce proceedings between two of Britain's most talked-about celebrities, Sir Paul McCartney and Lady Heather Mills-McCartney.
"Not many people are aware of this, but Cowdenbeath is like Mecca for hardcore bargain-hunters," said a spokesman for Tightwad magazine, the insider's journal for serious penny-pinchers. "It was voted Bargain Capital of the UK three times in the 1990s, and is still in the top ten even today. If you want something for less, Cowdenbeath is the place to go. And our patron Paul McCartney was one of the first notables to visit the town in the wake of the publicity." However the editor of Tightwad was unwilling to reveal more, and with both Fiona Shackleton and Mishcon de Reya keeping schtum about how the Fife town features in their celebrity clients' affairs, we decided to speak to the people of Cowdenbeath to see if they knew how the town had come to drive a wedge between the former Beatle and the ex-model.
"Ocht, Paul McCartney. He's a weel-kent face roond here," says Moira Clarke of Budgie's 99p store. "He used to come up every year with Linda in the 90s, whenever he wasn't in the studio. Budgie's wasn't open then, but you'd see him scouring the shops for cut-price everyday items. God, he used to buy about half the stock of Sharps. And he was over the moon when Cowdenbeath Thursday market opened. I remember him showing complete strangers in Pacers the valance and duvet-cover set he got for £9.99." Moira fell silent as she reminisced, then added philosophically. "Even though you're a billionaire, if you love a bargain, that thrill never leaves you, I suppose."
Sharps? Surely Linda McCartney wouldn't be keen on knocking up new veggie recipes in a Sharps pinny? "Don't you believe it!" said Moira. "She was never out of Firsts and Seconds. Linda and Paul spent some of their happiest times here, bargain hunting, getting free stuff thrown in for haggling a bit and having a bit of the banter. I think that's where things when wrong with Heather Mills - Paul thought he could recreate that honeymoon atmosphere in Cowdenbeath with her."
Intrigued, we decided to go around the many other great-deal stores which Cowdenbeath has in abundance to see if any other shop staff had stories to tell. And we were not disappointed.
Leanne McQueen, 23, who works in The Catalogue Shop, was not working during the Paul-Linda era but remembers Paul's only visit with Heather Mills well. "When they first came in to the shop they drew my attention, not because they were famous, but because it was obvious they'd had a fight. He had a face like thunder and she was all puffy-eyed, like she'd been crying. Paul was clutching a carrier bag from the More Store and Heather was clearly mortified about being here. He was determined though. He went to over to the "Reduced to Clear" rack and pulled out a sequinned fleece, obviously with a view to her trying it on. She took one look at it and exploded in a rage, screaming at him that she didn't want to look like a widtink." Leanne stopped as she tried to recalled the scene. "Or it was words to that effect."
Paul reportedly stormed across the road, determined to make his way to the market, leaving Heather in the shop. Leanne told our reporter what she recalled of that day: "She looked lost, wandering amongst the shiny cushion covers and Sydney Devine CDs. But she did calm down, and I watched as she left the shop and crossed the road, obviously to try to find him."
Our reporter had to wait until the next day, market day, to find an eye-witness who could continue the chain of events. It was Jock Johnstone, who runs a stall selling household cleaning fluids, who provided us with the final piece of the story. "Paul was having a mooch about, asking me if I'd knock 50p off the gallon tubs of bleach if he bought two, but you could tell his heart wasn't in it, when Heather came up to the stall breathless, with a white carrier bag in her hands. She was flustered, but smiling, obviously eager to please Paul by showing him what was in the bag. It was a bargain, alright, but probably the worst thing she could have bought, and probably what has landed her in the divorce courts."
With our reporter on tenterhooks to get a world exclusive, Jock explained. "The daft bitch had only gone and seen Stevie Broon's meat van at the back, and thought she get a tenner's worth of mixed cuts. It's a bargain alright, but after what had just gone off Paul reacted like the poor lassie had spat on Linda's grave. He spelled out divorce then and there, in front of my stall." He added. "And he was in such a state he forgot to lift his bleach and washing-up liquid, even though he'd paid for them."

Navel-gazing? A bored Fifer?

2006-11-29T17:44:00.001Z

There has been criticism from some of this blog's many readers of the apparent Cowdencentric bias in these cyberpages; an accusation which can only lead to the frankly bizarre conclusion that there are people out there who are interested in news events beyond Cowdenbeath, indeed, beyond Fife. I have tried to throw a sup to these people by including news stories from outside of Fife's borders, as I do not want to lose readers, but I do need to state that as editor of this prestigious blog, I am helpless in the face of world events - if fate chooses for Central Fife to be the place where most of the exciting and newsworthy things in the world happen, I am honour-bound, as a duty of care to my readers, to include them here. Lest it be said that this particular Scot can be accused of navel-gazing. In the meantime, please enjoy the picture I found while still on my quest to find a photo of Eamonn Holmes naked (readers will be disheartened to know that even turning the "safesearch" option off has been fruitless), a quest which has seen me have to wade through all kinds of unimaginable, mind-corrupting filth, but which throws up the occasional amusing picture.
And yes, it is a ginger man looking like he's about to "blow" a vacuum cleaner (the picture is an advert for both the hoover and the shorts, though lets face it, you're "buying" the sexy image). In the good ole US of A, Scottishness is just as good as Sex itself when it comes to seducing people to part with their cash. Ocht, aye, I'm in the wrong country...

A todo palo: Cowdenbeath´s Flamenco community stamps back into the limelight

2006-11-27T20:51:00.001Z

It is yet another of those forgotten yet fascinating corners of Fife history; as diverse peoples rushed into the region in the wake of the coal Klondike of the 19th century, little was recorded about the changing face of Fife ethnography. This is undertandable, given the historical context - in the struggle to set up home in a new area there would be little concern for a fellow pioneer´s origins. But recent academic research has unearthed exciting data about one ethnic group in Cowdenbeath which up until recently was seen as common knowledge to locals, that of Cowdenbeath's gypsy Flamencos.
As bizarre as it may seem when walking the length of its High Street today, Cowdenbeath was once known as "The Chicago of Fife" for good reason, and although it attracted workers from far and wide, the migrants who by far travelled the furthest to mine its black diamonds were the gypsy community from Andalucia who had been told tales of the town from British sailors. The community evenually settled, as other migrant workers did, incorporating Fife dialect terms into their gypsy "Caló" speech, and within a few generations sounded like any other Cowdenbeathian to outsiders. Yet certain traits of their ethnicity remained, and many old miners in the town remember the function room of Wee Jimmies being closed off for the musical peñas of the notorious insular Spanish Fifers, as clapping, stamping of feet and cries of exhortation would filter through to the main bar. However, with the closing of the mines, the flamboyant aspects of Cowdenbeath-Andalucian gypsy culture also faded, with descendents of the original gypsies hanging up their guitars as they went signing on for incapacity benefit. No longer could castanets be heard around Greenbank Drive on a Saturday night, nor a lone voice singing in Fife-tinged Spanish of lost love. Thatcherite policy threatened to consign the ethnic expression of Cowdenbeath´s gypsies to the history books.
However there is hope that the dying embers of Cowden-Andalucian culture can be fanned back to life, due to the combination of a generous grant from the Scottish Executive, and renewed interest in Cowdenbeath Flamenco history, brought about from the publication of a book from a respected academic. "Cante Jondo in Cowden: A History of Cowdenbeath´s Flamenco Community" (Granta, 2006) has been warmly received by reviewers, and its author Robert Muñoz, himself a descendent of early Flamenco migrants, has been crucial in securing funding for the cultural regeneration. The first of the Flamenco evenings, the fruit of Mr Muñoz's labour, is causing much expectation within the town, and mantillas have been big sellers at Cowdenbeath market as women prepare for the event. It will be difficult, after a hiatus of over 20 years, for Cowdenbeath Flamenco folk to rediscover their proud heritage, but we hope that these efforts will see them get their duende back.
Cowdenbeath Flamenco Night, Wee Jimmies, Wednesday, 6th of December, after Scottish Slimmers. All welcome.

(pictures, top to bottom, young flamenca dance to entertain themselves as their menfolk watch the stock cars, a flamenca photographed round the back of Davy Sands, Robert "Rab" Muñoz practising for the Flamenco revival)

Property Speculation Fever Hits Ballingry

2006-11-12T15:42:00.001Z

It started innocently enough, a couple of house sales to young English couples, and local estate agents thought little of it, until the pace of demand from individuals from "Down South" lead local property experts to conclude that they had a trend on their hands. "And when I say Down South, I'm not talking about Edinburgh," said Shona Rhind, of Delmore Estate Agents in Cowdenbeath. "I mean DOWN SOUTH - London-Essex way. That's what's so strange about it."
But what would a Londoner want with a two-bedroom council house in Ballingry? "I can answer that in one word. Investment!" said Ms Rhind, who has worked in the West and Central Fife property market for the past 20 years. "The UK housing market is mature, which is the nice way of saying it has fecking bubbled, with speculation having inflated prices beyond the means of ordinary people. The only place in the UK this hasn't happened has been the Ballingelly area, where prices have remained more or less the same since 1982. Hence we've got all these Southerners coming up looking for a cheap way to replace a pension plan." Shona pointed to a map of the area, where the reddest area, marking the hottest sales, was Martin Crescent in Ballingry. "These Londoners come here, see the social and economic deprivation, and think they can make a killing. Some of these houses can go for as much as £60,000, which is a lot to Ballingrians in debt, but peanuts to a Londoner."
But what makes these speculators think that houses in this area will go up to match the rest of the market? Aren't they frightened of negative equality?
"Oh no, nothing will put these people off," laughed Shona. "Not even when I told them about how Ballingrians eat the afterbirth of their young, and about the drink and drug-fuelled sexual orgies that take place amongst neighbours. The English don't care, they just see pound signs. And it hasn't helped that a couple of weeks ago rumour had it that Holyrood was discussing the creation of a new international airport in Lochore. That means we'll be seeing more 4x4s and BMWs parked in Lochgelly when word trickles down to The City."
And how do Ballingry residents feel about the constant offers to buy their council houses coming through their letterboxes day after day? We tried knocking on individual doors in Martin Crescent with little success, but did manage to speak to Kelly-Anne Inch, a single mother of four and Ballingry resident who was waiting for a bus into Cowdenbeath. We asked Kelly-Anne, who was a former nursing assistant in Stratheden before being signed off on long-term sick for anxiety after watching a particularly poorly acted episode of River City, if she felt threatened by the new invaders from Down South.
"Threatened? No. We have reached an end-time in terms of ideology, with neo-conservative capitalism having defeated all competing Communist and Socialist paradigms so resoundly you'd think we´d never had a Cold War," said Kelly-Anne, rooting around in her jeans pocket for change. "So-called "liberal democracy" has put an end to all government-engineered attempts at egilitarianism, so the poor will get even poorer, but the democratic element in the ideology will see to it that we think it's our choice to be this way. So I'm not threatened by events in Ballingry, which I predicted when I saw Gorbachev giving out gongs at the British Soap Awards a couple of years ago, but rather saddened by the triumph of greed in human nature, justified by our slavery to the "supremacy of the free market" ideology, and I'm not at all surprised." She added, "I'll need to go, that's my bus."

Next week: Russian oligarchs cast a greedy eye over the choicest properties in Methil.

1 in 3 Kelty children fathered by same man

2006-11-12T12:55:00.002Z

It was a primary school teacher in Kelty Primary School who first blew the whistle. "I know there've been rumours of inbreeding going on for years," said the woman, who did not wish to be named, "but when you're looking at your class, and half of them are identical, you know that something's not right." Anthropologists who came to assess her claims found that she was indeed correct, that a sizeable proportion of the under 10s in Kelty are half-brothers and sisters. But how did this happen? Who is the man responsible for this phenomenon? And what is his secret?
It did not take our reporters long to find the man who has been impregnating the single mothers of the former mining village, often on a repeat basis. Robert Menzies, 33, of no regular employment, was found in the local bookmakers, marking his bets for that afternoon's racing. "Ah deh want tae talk aboot it," he said. "If the ladies ey Kelty want a bit ey quality tadge, they ken where tae come - it's no tae dae wi' me if they dinnae like the pill." With the red-haired lothario unwilling to reveal more, we decided to go to Kelty Club that evening, when the drink would loosen the tongues of the locals. We were lucky, for Bernadette Menzies, Robert's mother, was supping that night, and her advanced state of inebriation allowed for a frank discussion of her son.
"The hing is, wi' Rab, he's a genius on the fruit machines," said Bernadette, 51. "It might no soond much, but it's quite impressive tae watch. He'll empty a bandit wi'in hauf an oor, and by that time he'll hae a wee audience aroon' him, usually lassies. And when he hits the jackpot, and the pub's deefened by aw the coins hitting the tray - he kens he's gonnae get his hole," she told us proudly. "He's a hit wi' the lassies, but no' wi' the landlords roon´here. He's been banned fae a lot ey the local pubs noo, which is why he's startin' on the horses."
But isn't Bernadette worried that her son, dubbed The Puggy Whisperer by locals, might endanger his health by foregoing contraception? "Oh aye, ah've telt him right enough. If he thinks he's gonnae get a ride tae take precautions. Ah mean, when ye find oot ye've been made a granny 13 times in the last year, ye ken it's got tae stop. At least he's not humping sae much in Kelty onymair - he´s been pleyin' the bandits in Kinross recently - he's no' kent up there... yit!" But despite his fecklessness Bernadette is proud of her potent puggy-playing son. "Ocht, he's a fine laddie." she said. "It's hard though when ye're walking through the Main Street and ye hink maist ey the bairns toddling aboot are probably related tae ye."

Adam Smith ousted as "Kirkcaldy´s most famous son"

2006-11-12T12:14:00.000Z

Tempers flared in the chambers of Kirkcaldy District Council this week after a motion was passed to see the name of Adam Smith, the father of modern economics, replaced with that of former World Darts Champion Jocky Wilson on the signs entering into Kirkcaldy. Previous signs carried the epithet under Kirkcaldy of "Birthplace of Adam Smith", but in a bid to increase tourism in the area, councillors have voted to change this to "Kirkcaldy: Birthplace of Jocky Wilson."
The motion has not been without its detractors, who accused supporters of the change of trying to "sex up Kirkcaldy", but the councillor who spearheaded the move, Cllr Derek Simmons, was unrepentant yesterday.
"Yes, he was the founder of modern capitalist philosophy and his rationale on free trade has underpinned our modern globalised world, but don´t forget Jocky was World Darts champion twice over, as well as British Champion four times," Cllr Simmons pointed out. "And not just that, but well, Adam Smith is lang deid, and we thought a more modern association with the town was called for." Not wishing to admit what was said in the council session, we asked Mary Scott, who cleans the council chambers, if she overheard anything of the contentious meeting.
"Aye," said Mary, "an´the major problem wi´Adam Smith is that according tae the cooncillors, naeby in Kirkcaldy kens wha he wiz. Wan ey them said they did a poll ey teenagers in the toon, and the best answer they got wiz that Adam Smith might be WH´s brother, or something."

Rumour has it that Dunfermline District Council are watching events in Kirkcaldy carefully with a view to replacing the personage of Andrew Carnegie with that of Barbara Dickson in their own re-branding plans.

Cowdenbeath resident fears for house prices in her street

2006-11-10T17:49:00.000Z

A resident of Cowdenbeath, Fife, contacted us yesterday in a last-ditch attempt to express her anguish in a way that might somehow see her problem resolved. Wishing to remain anonymous, the woman, 52, said. "I know this sounds ridiculous, but maybe by somehow making this public on the internet someone might tell the auld cratur concerned, and gie those net curtains a guid bleaching." Mrs R.´s nightmare started when the elderly neighbour across the road had the misfortune to lose his wife. "I know it sounds daft," she said, "but I didn´t really think much of it, especially nowadays with social services and meals on wheels and that." But problems started a couple of years later. "It just happened one morning. I looked out the window, cup of tea in hand, and noticed that the kitchen nets weren´t as white as they could be. It wasn´t a big thing at the time."
Little did Mrs R. know that the matter would soon come to dominate her life. "As time went on I couldn´t look out the window," she said. "All I could see were thae bloody venetians, gettin´ yellier and yellier. It wiz gien´me the jaundees. In the end I stopped going into my own living-room. I just wish someone would do something about them."
But Mrs. R. found that even with avoiding her front room she couldn´t stop thinking about her neighbour´s kitchen window. "It gies me the boak ever time I turn into the street," she told us. "Folk must think we´re all a bunch of black minks. God knows what it´s doing to property prices".
Even Mrs. R´s sex life has been adversely affected. "I´m always tired because I can´t sleep properly - all my dreams are centred on pulling those bloody nets down and scrubbing them. Or sometimes I have nightmares in which I find myself smothered in them. I´m at my wits´end. I can only hope someone in Cowdenbeath social services will read this blog."

H from STEPS surprise New Labour candidate to replace Short in next election

2006-11-03T21:18:00.000Z

There has always been a close relationship between showbusiness and politics, some would say uncomfortably close. But few political commentators could have predicted New Labour´s decision to support H from STEPS´candidature for the seat of Birmingham Ladywood in the next general election, a seat currently occupied by Clare Short, who stated in September that she plans to make this her last term in office.
"She´s been persona non grata since rebelling against the whip," said a party insider of Ms Short recently, "and if she hadn´t resigned, she´d have been pushed. She was already on a written warning. We´re confident that H from STEPS will be much more "on-message"."
But in an exclusive interview with "H", which stands for "hyperactive", we can reveal that the former STEPS artiste, and half of the later duo "H & Claire", won´t be shy of playing a few wild cards of his own, most noticeably in his comments on economic policy. "If Tony and Gordon think I´ll be an all-singing, all-dancing New Labour puppet, they´ve been watching too many STEPS videos, and not paying attention to the real "H" behind the chereographed image," said the performer, who will be standing under the name of Ian "H" Watkins.
"Being from Rhondda, a socialist heartland of Old Labour, I´ll be firing a few broadsides at Prime Minister Brown on his former management of the housing market, and New Labour´s unwillingness to control the rampant Thatcherite speculation in the sector, speculation which is causing mass disenfranchisement, freezing young families out of the property ladder, as well as crippling them financially with disproportionate rents." "It´s got to stop!" he suddenly shouted, banging his fist on the table with a passion uncharacteristic of the persona who once gyrated to a cover version of Bananarama´s "Last Thing On My Mind". He continued " - and with such a deregulated financial market, we have the highest unsecured debt ratio per capita in Western Europe, which I predicted when Brown insisted on capping the base rate."
With such a keen eye for economic trends, will "H" eventually look to occupy Number 11 when Brown inevitably vacates it for Number 10?
"I wouldn´t rule out anything," smiles H. "Few would have predicted that when STEPS formed back in ´97, the same year as New Labour came into power, we would have a paralleled runaway success, with 14 consecutive top-five hits. But whereas we were sensible enough to end on a high with our Gold: Greatest Hits tour, later New Labour policies have been less of a hit with voters, with many of them, like the PFI, quite frankly a "Deeper Shade of Blue" than even the Tories," he winked, smiling at the pun. "I´m looking to bring Labour back in touch with their core voters."
But others were less convinced of the expediency of H from STEPS´political ambition.
"I just about pissed myself laughing when I heard about it," said the Rt. Hon Clare Short herself, in the typical forthright manner which has seen her antagonise her own party´s government. "H from STEPS? He´s as thick as a Gurkha´s foreskin. It seems like every scrote in the universe thinks he can be a public servant nowadays!"
But H from STEPS was unfazed by his hardhitting detractor. "I´m not surprised she lost the party whip," said the singer, who still occasionally wears his old Butlins redcoat to add "a dash of colour" to local Labour party meetings. "It´s hardly the language of contemporary political discourse, is it?"

Barry Author Rocks Hollywood with Revenge Tale

2006-11-02T17:11:00.000Z

Executives at S4C, the Welsh language and culture channel, must be kicking themselves as news emerged this week that a manuscript they rejected six months ago has had Hollywood studios fighting it out in their eagerness to snap up the film rights. Called simply “The Cave”, the story centres on Terry, the son and grandson of career soldiers, who is pressganged into the army, then forced to desert after vicious institutional bullying. Hiding out from punishment, he holes himself up in a cave in the Welsh valleys, adapting it over the years as he exacts a protracted revenge on each one of his tormentors.
The author of the script, Melvin Price, from Barry, South Wales, has shown himself to be somewhat bemused by the critics falling over each other to be the first to praise the leaked copies of the manuscript. Phyllis Malone, cultural critic of The New York Times, was particularly lavish in her description of the oeuvre as “a masterpiece, infused with Lacanian symbolism.” Were Lacanian signifiers on Melvin´s mind when he wrote The Cave?
“Oh I don´t know about that,” said Melvin, 49. “I´ve not been copying anyone. It´s all my own ideas.” With his rich Valleys heritage, many critics were surprised to find the poetic lyricism of fellow contryman Dylan Thomas rather absent, with a prose style more reminiscent of the starkness of Kivijärvi, with noticeably sparse imagery.

But Melvin was quick to deny a homage in literature to the Norwegian photographer´s work. “The Cave isn´t sparse,” he said. “It´s got a microwave, a dishwasher. All mod-bloody-cons, see. It´s like an ´ome from ´ome.” Price was equally emphatic about who should be the protagonist of the film version of The Cave.
“I don´t want no bloody Steven Seagal or Tom Cruise playing Terry - he needs to be Welsh.” “Welsh!” he exclaimed loudly, spattering saliva onto our journalist in his enthusiasm to get his point across. “From The Valleys!” Melvin´s insistence on the character´s Welshness naturally led us to the question of whether the story of The Cave was at all based on Melvin himself.
“Good heavens, no!” exclaimed Melvin. “Terry gets no bloody pussy, and I get it just about every night I do. I´m a bloody expert on shwagging, see, and can sniff out pussy anywhere. Then I´m like a rat up a drainpipe. Just last night I was with a dark-haired piece called Sue. 18 she was. Bloody gorgeous!”
And with the proposed deal for the screenplay adaptation being talked in terms of almost seven figures, it looks like Tinseltown may have another Celtic lothario in the mould of Richard Burton or Colin Farrell strutting along Rodeo Drive before the year is out. Hollywood movie moguls – lock up your daughters!

Labour Launch New Crime & Punishment Strategy

2006-11-02T17:09:00.000Z

With the shockingly high levels of recidivism revealed by the failed policy of tagging offenders, and the recent scandal of “weekend” prisons being used as a convenient and comfortable way for convicted offenders to sleep off hangovers before returning to freedom on a Monday morning, New Labour were anxious to steal a march on the Conservatives by revealing a strategy to “really show criminals that we mean business.”
“We´re being tough on crime, and tough on the causes of crime... but with an eye on the prison budget and European Human Rights legislation,” said New Labour Home Secretary, Dr. John Reid, ever the pragmatic Scot. "Provisionally, it´s called Soap Deprivation, with which convicted offenders will be banned from watching their favourite soap opera – probably Eastenders or Coronation Street, with a devolved Scotland being able to vote on a River City option. Ultimately, the choice of soap, as well as the length of the tariff, will be up to the judge.”
But what about UK Gold? our reporter asked. “Oh, they´ll still get to see vintage episodes – we´re not animals. And we think that way it won´t be challengable under EU human rights law – we don´t want more paedophiles and murderers running up huge bills for challenges on legal aid. They´ll still have freedom to watch other programmes too, and indeed to roam the streets.”
But what about the human rights of other Britons not to be cut up into tiny pieces and dumped in a wheelie bin? We mentioned the recent case of murderer Mark Goldstraw, who was released after just 3 and a half years of his sentence, who then went on to murder an entire family on his release. “Well, yeah, you do have a point I suppose,” said Reid, asking the barman for another single malt, and doodling a flower in biro in front of the word “soap” on the opened-out packet of Benson and Hedges which seemed to be serving as a policy document. “But to be fair to the probation officers, he didn´t kill or dismember anyone in prison during those 3 and a half years, so they weren´t to know.”
But if it was women who triggered his homicidal rage, then surely prison cannot be a reliable testing ground for the re-offending tendencies of such prisoners, as with paedophiles. Surely automatic early release for “good behaviour” is therefore inherently dangerous. Reid paused before responding to our conjecture, then asked our reporter if he would like another drink: “It´s all on expenses, don´t worry,” before continuing, “There will always be some who slip through the net, the system´s not 100% perfect, but we´re confident that our new Soap Deprivation (2006) Bill will make offenders think again before going out to destroy the fabric of our society.”

Kofi Annan´s keynote speech in Cowdenbeath marred by hecklers

2006-10-22T15:02:00.001+01:00

Kofi Annan's keynote speech in Cowdenbeath regarding Scotland's role in world peacekeeping was marred yesterday by hecklers, it was reported by Reuters News Agency last night. The secretary-general of the UN, who is on a tour of Western Europe in a bid to promote grassroots support for the United Nations, chose Cowdenbeath as the place for his speech to Scottish citizens, with the Ghanian apparently placing great store in the name's symbolic significance in his language (Cowdenbeath sounds similar to Coo Dyn Bita, which in Fante means "City of Hope"). Finding a location suitable to host a speaker of such magnitude was a problem, and Fife Constabulary described organising the security for Somerfields car park, which was adapted for the event, as a "logistical nightmare".

Accordingly to sources close to the Secretary General, problems started when Annan began to talk about the delicate situation currently affecting Darfur. At this juncture, several individuals had managed to scale the roof of Weepers newsagents, reportedly originating from the The Bruce Hotel across the road, and got close enough to the stage to shout a remark audible to the UN representative. The comment, followed by peels of laughter from the men, visibly inebriated, sounded like "deed cots" to the dignatories bystanding, and UN aides were perplexed at both the words' meaning and the resultant laughter. Communicating to a disconcerted Kofi that perhaps it was "bravo" in Gaelic, so that he may continue his oratory without hesitation, Special Branch officials nevertheless removed the men from the scene, fearing a security breach. Officers were later surprised to learn that the comment, literally "dead cats", referred to the length of Kofi Annan's trousers, as within the town itself it is common to remark to an individual wearing trousers which expose the ankle that it is evident that his cats have died, given that the trousers are being worn "at half mast" as a sign of respect for his pets' passing. (Reuters, 2006. Photos show Annan hesitant reaction to the heckling last Thursday, with the second showing the close proximity of "The Bruce" to Weepers, where the security breach took place.)

Catherine Zeta Jones "oxtered oot The Minty"

2006-10-21T22:04:00.000+01:00

We have received unconfirmed reports that a drunk and disorderly Catherine Zeta Jones had to be physically manhandled out of The Minto Lounge Bar in Lochgelly, Fife, in the early hours of this morning. We will bring you more on this story as it comes in.

Local girl´s meteoric rise through the ranks of Mossmorran

2006-10-21T20:41:00.000+01:00

It all started unremarkably enough, with a contract with Exxonmobil that required nothing more than admin work, filling in spreadsheets and filing. So, how did local girl Vivien Rideout end up in charge of the ethylene distillation process at Cowdenbeath´s Mossmorran chemical plant? "Ah dinnae ken!" Vivien laughs and shrugs in amazement to our reporter. "Ah jist got telt wan day tae keep an eye on the control panel monitoring the hydrocarbon "cracking" process when one of the chief engineers went into town to go to Greggs, and it jist sort ey went fae there." She cheerfully admits "Ah dinnae hae a clue aboot chemicals an´that. But ah´ve been learnin´as ah go along. Maist ey the time it´s just a case ey watching the wee lights an´ pressing buttons if ye see wan ey the lights go rid." So what can she tell our readers about the cracking of complex hydrocarbons? "Basically aw it is is breaking big chemicals intae weer wans," the girl known as "Bairn" to her family explains, "then the wee wans go doon the pipe tae Grangemouth. The wee chemicals are used for making bin bags n´stuff."
Isn´t she surprised at the level of responsibility she´s managed to reach in such a sort space of time? "Weel aye an´no," she admits, "as ah´m a guid timekeeper, and ah never skive, so in that sense ah´m reliable. Ah do need tae watch though, when it comes tae calculatin´how much of the waste hydrogen is released intae the flare - sometimes it kin burn 900 tonnes an hour an´the flare kin reach 100 feet - aw ah need tae dae is pit the decimal point in the wrang place an´ it´ll be Armageddon fur central Fife!" she laughs heartily. "But residents have nae need tae worry - I´m being careful."

Charlton Heston to move to Torrevieja

2006-10-21T13:03:00.003+01:00

Hollywood commentators have been taken aback this week by news that one of the last century´s greatest film icons has bought himself a flat in Torrevieja and intends to pack up his Oscar and his rifles and move there. Charlton, 82, star of the blockbusters Ben Hur and The Ten Commandments, as well as cult clussics such as Soylent Green and The Omega Man, bought the two-bedroom apartment in the Europa 2 block after seeing it advertised on the internet, and has told stunned family that it had always been his intention to retire to the Costa Blanca. An Irish bar, Murphys on the Park, is built into the apartment block, and Charlton has already expressed an interest in becoming a regular, having had his agent ask about their all-day breakfasts. We spoke to the staff and regulars of Murphys to find out their reaction to the news that has rocked Tinseltown.
"Charlton Heston? That name rings a bell. What county is he from?" asked Jackie, 41, a property manager and singer, before adding quickly: "Not that it matters, because we´re like a big family in here. He´ll fit right in I´m sure. He can join the golf society and he might want to join the quiz team - we produced a trophy-winning team last year, but Captain Chris has gone back to the UK. Maybe he could replace The Captain."
"Yeah," chipped in Elaine Down, a regular, "and there´s a 24-hour shop just two streets away, so he´ll never be stuck for essential bits and pieces, no matter what time of the night it is. You can top up your mobile there as well." Very nonchalant about the fact that a Hollywood legend might soon be supping in their midst, and potentially adding his name to the list for a bus trip to Benidorm to see Sticky Vicky, we asked Steven Conway, who does the evening shift, if he would be fazed by serving the one-time president of the Screen Actors Guild.
"Ah sure, he´ll be pretty old by now, like," said Steven, 33. "Maybe he´s got a nurse to look after him, push his wheelchair and stuff. A nice blonde nurse, with big boobs straining the buttons of her nurse´s uniform. Mmmm."
Heston is also notorious for his comments regarding the right to bear firearms, stating publicly that his rifle would need to be prized "from my cold, dead hands" before it would be relinquished. When shown the famous photograph of the erstwhile National Rifle Association president brandishing his rifle at the 2000 NRA convention, barman Kevin Dempsey scowled, and muttered "Well he better not think he can give it large in here!" before disappearing into the kitchen.
And what did the licensee of Murphys think of Charlton Heston sitting amongst the audience enjoying The Showband Show? We found publican Séamus Murphy in the function room, picking lint from the baize of the pool table. When told of the news of the star coming to Torrevieja, Séamus, 29, paused before giving his characteristically circumspect response. "He might have been in some fillims, but he´ll pay by rounds like everyone else," he told our reporter yesterday.

What to do with the bit in Cowdenbeath High Street where Ritz Video used to be? We ask the stars!

2006-10-19T21:21:00.000+01:00

Controversy has been rife in the council boardrooms of Cowdenbeath this past week, as town dignitaries and public opinion slug it out to win the battle of what will go in the space left by the Ritz video shop and the adjacent buildings knocked down recently. The cooncil has evidently been reluctant to approve the application for a LIDL superstore, with Alex Maxwell going on the record that he would "oppose the setting up of that kind of store" (our italics), and indeed, Cllr Simpson has been quoted as saying that the ambition was for something much more "worthwhile", "ambitious" and "long-term", something that "would add to the general well-being of the town". All good sentiments of course, but.. er... what? With councillors and locals at loggerheads, as hundreds of Cowdenbeathians have petitioned their support for the ability to buy German dog food without having to get a bus out of town, we thought that the matter would best be solved by asking the people who know best - the stars. Here are just a few who decided to weigh in on the debate:

Ben Affleck (film actor, star of Good Will Hunting and Armageddon) - "I´ve always thought those buildings propped up with struts were an eyesore, so I´m glad to see them go. Not sure about a LIDL though - surely it´ll harm the smaller local businesses, and LIDL could afford an initial price war to wear down competitors."

Arnold Schwarzenegger (actor, entrepreneur and current governer of California) - "Zer ist nothing wrong vit German food. I am ein particular fan of de small cheeses mit herbs - great für parties. Cowdenbeath could do vurse than have its own LIDL."

Sting (British singer-songwriter and environmental activist) - "I´m a great believer in letting places grow organically; time and nature will show the people of Cowdenbeath how best to use the space in keeping with the town´s Feng Shui, though I have to say the Tantric energies will always be diminished by that railway bridge."

Tessa Jowell (New Labour Culture Secretary) - "For fuck´s sake - a supercasino! People, this is a no-brainer!"

Liza Minelli (actress, singer, entertainer) - "Maybe they could create a workhouse for all those feckless little tarts in the town who get themselves knocked up at 17 to jump the housing list. With no reward of a council flat, just watch the birth rate fall!"

Rigoberta Menchú (Guatemalan human rights activist, winner of the 1992 Nobel Peace Prize) -
"Pues algunos residentes me han sugerido que lo mejor sería que Cowdenbeath tuviera su propia plaza, y algunos ya lo llaman "La Plaza" - deja que la gente decida nomás."

Leah (Big Brother 2006) - "I´m with the Austrian School of free-market economists on this one - lower cost basic foodstuffs could only bring more prosperity to the people of Cowdenbeath in the long run. Bring on the LIDL! (Or a sex shop - if you can´t make the poor buggers richer, they could at least be a bit happier.)

So there you have it, even the stars are divided on what best to do. Only time will tell.
(Additional reporting courtesy of the Central Fife Times)

Dundee MSP blasts teen pregnancy rate in his ward

2006-10-18T21:34:00.006+01:00

Hamish Baxter, MSP for Dundee West, is no stranger to controversy, but for every detractor who lambasts his off-message comments, there is an admirer of the way the self-styled "Original Shock Jock" shoots from the hip. Now it seems the latest thing to come under the famous Baxter fire is the rate of teenage pregnancy in Dundee, which figures for 2004 showed were 1 in 16 Dundonian teenage girls falling pregnant. "1 in 16!" cried Hamish to our reporter in a well-known Dundee drinking den. "1 in 16! That's a truly terrible figure. What are the other 15 doing? Do they honestly think they´re going to make it onto Pop Idol? There are a lot of misconceptions out there amongst young girls in Dundee, and we need to set them straight." The Labour MSP took another slug of Bushmills and continued, "If they think they're going to become PR girls in London, or actresses, or executives, they're sadly mistaken. They're from Dundee for fuck's sake!"
When asked to explain his eyebrow-raising comments, Baxter cited poverty, lack of self-confidence, no social graces and poor communication skills. "For Christ's sake, I was speaking to one girl at a further education college who wanted to be a TV presenter. I laughed - "No wi' that wee pug Dundee pus o' yours, doll! And yer erse wid need widescreen." She ran crying out of the hall, but I did her a favour in the long run," he said, knocking back the whisky dregs.
"I mean, if you're from Whitfield, unless you're exceptional, and I mean exceptional, if you don´t go down the single mother route, you can look forward to an exciting career of flexi-shifts in Safeways working weekends and nights, wiping arses in a care home, or, if you can speak passable English, a call centre. And Gordon will tax you to fuck for the privilege so as to keep other people's kids. Hardly stuff to keep your knickers on for, is it?" When challenged that many single mothers also worked in said employment to make ends meet, Baxter looked withering at our reporter and replied "Aye, but only 16 oors a week" before ordering himself another drink. Seemingly indifferent to the outrage his comments will cause, Baxter is also renowned for his pronouncements on teenage smoking "Good for putting hairs on a young man's chest" and lowering the age of lapdancers in Dundee to 14 "We need to get them before they run to fat."

Fife Constabulary in New Home Security Iniciative

2006-10-18T00:56:00.001+01:00

Fife police have today launched a ground-breaking new iniciative in community policing aimed at raising awareness amongst the crime-beleagured pensioners of the Central Fife region. Entitled "Lock oot thae fuckin´skagheids!" the strategy aims to target older residents living in sheltered accommodation, giving advise on home security, and sending out reminders about the importance of locking all doors and windows, even when just going down the street. The dark-haired and photogenic local bobby Kenny Kettlebolt will be the face of the campaign, and to our pressman he qualified the opportunist thieves as "fuckin' scum, who should be hung up by the baws".

Robbie Williams spotted wandering alone in Dunfermline Bus Station

2006-10-17T23:26:00.002+01:00

Dubbed by the tabloids as "the Sinatra of his generation", the man who has defined the decade bridging the millenium with his angst-ridden but karaoke-friendly pop, Robbie Williams was spotted in Dunfermline Bus Station, rummaging through his pockets for a 20p piece.
"I was surprised he´d use the public toilets," said Lesley Rankin, a pie-crust maker for Bayne´s the Bakers in Cowdenbeath. "I mean, a laddie like him, with a dozen top ten hits to his name, you´d think he woudnae use bus station toilets." But Lesley was happy to give Robbie 20p so that he could "spend a penny". "Ah could tell the puir lad was burstin´" she explains, adding jokingly, "and it´s not as if Dunfermline Bus Station will take a Black Amex card!"
Intrigued, Lesley, 63, waited outside the toilets to speak to the Robster on his exit. "I know it´s a bit presumptuous, but a part of me was worried for him as well. From a quick look around I could see no-one who would be a part of his management company, though for a moment I did think a young gadgie in a tracksuit and baseball cap was Jonathan Wilkes." What did she think he was doing there? "Oh, I thought he might be having a breakdown," she replied cheerily. "Lots of celebs on the edge seem to end up in Fife for some reason. I remember Cher in Kelty a few years back. If you were there you would never forget that night. And I´ve followed Robbie´s career closely since he launched Life Thru A Lens. You can tell he´s no´a happy boy at the moment. You can hear it in his latest album," she added sagely.
On his entry back into the bus terminal Lesley was not disappointed with Robbie´s reaction to her. "He´s a lovely laudie." He seemed pleased to see her again, and smiled, then asked her where he should go for the Ballingry bus. "I told him to go down to stand 2, and wait for a number 19," said Lesley, who has 3 of a family. "I was dying to ask him why he wanted a Ballingry bus, but it´s a wee bit intrusive. Even though he´s a famous person with a well-documented desire for a stable family life, it´s no´really my place." She did however express consternation at his motives for being in the bus station. "He´s got problems, real emotional tangles. But he´s not going to find the answers in Ballingry."
(readers may like to note that the picture of Robbie Williams was taken from library archives, not in Dunfermline Bus Station itself)

Eamonn Holmes Naked

2006-10-17T22:26:00.000+01:00

No, don´t get your hopes up! You know what it´s like, when you reach that moment at work when you´re so bored you´re not sure if you´re still alive, and you think, "What fucking random thing can I look for in the billions of pages that make up the internet, which purports to have EVERYTHING in the world documented in it, even if badly scanned, badly spelt, and of dubious truth?" Hence "Eamonn Holmes naked". And how disappointed was I, when the only thing that I could think of to entertain me was nowhere to be found in the millions of archived images of depravity and filth that the internet is supposed to contain. Maybe it´s my fault, cos I´m not very IT-skilled, so I put in "Eamonn Holmes lesbians", and still nothing with the popular news and game show presenter and some lesbians (I was thinking maybe something would surface from the earlier days, when he wasn´t as hefty as he is now). Not even any obviously doctored pictures with Eamonn´s head stuck on. Having said that, my search wasn´t exactly extensive, lasting about 2 minutes, as you don´t want to inadvertantly stumble across something Gary Glitter would have stored on his hard-drive, and risk a Pete Townshend-style dawn raid just for the sight of the popular Sudo-Q presenter´s wobbly arse in a gang bang.
It goes without saying that anyone reading this who can point me to any pages featuring Eamonn "who´s yer daddy?" Holmes naked and/or in a romp will restore my faith in the internet.

World´s oldest woman found working in Stott´s Ironmongers, Cowdenbeath

2006-10-17T21:10:00.000+01:00

Researchers for this year´s Guinness Book of World Records found that they didn´t have to go far to find the World´s Oldest Living woman for their 2007 edition - locals of the Fife town of Cowdenbeath had tipped off the publication that the surest candidate for this year was to be found on the British Isles, and still hard at work despite her advanced age. Margaret McLeod, 118, has been working in Stott´s Ironmongers since she was a mere girl of 38, and was able to tell researchers a thing or two about local history, as well as posing for a photograph (pictured below).
Her younger colleague, Agnes Potter, 88, paid tribute to her long-time workmate, with the words "Thank heavens Maggie´s still wi´us - she´s the only one who knows where everything is. I don´t know what´ll happen when she goes. There´s some drawers in the back haven´t been opened since the miners´strikes." Agnes also pointed out that Margaret was a living testament to the fact the world didn´t need computers. "This place runs like clockwork," she said. "Aye, it might be a gey slow clock. But it´s still ticking!"
Those however who would point to Stott´s as a place which knows no age discrimination may be surprised to hear that general manager Thomas Burns would be in trouble with the PC police. Quoted in last week´s Central Fife Times, he stated bluntly. "I wouldn´t have anyone working for me under the age of 70 - they´re far too nippy on their feet and that´s how accidents happen."

Posh Spice spotted "slumming it" in Partners Lounge Bar, Cowdenbeath

2006-10-17T20:40:00.000+01:00

Celeb watchers may raise an eyebrow at news of Victoria Beckham´s recent foray into the ex-mining town of Cowdenbeath, where she spent the evening drinking in a local bar called Partners. At first the would-be paparazzo didn´t recognise the erstwhile Spice Girl when at the bar last Wednesday, seeing just another fake-tanned arm reaching out to pick up the vodka and red bull, but the arm´s boneyness did attract his attention, not being the leg of ham typical of the average female Partners punter, and on looking up he saw the trademark pout that told him that the self-styled Queen of Fashion was indeed in Central Fife, enjoying some voddies in what the locals call Ratners. Much to his chagrin he didn´t see David, assuming that she´d left him at home with the bairns to nip out for a mid-week drink, and not having his camera with him he didn´t want to bother her. None of the regulars seemed to know or care who she was, and not even when she got up to have a sing-song with resident musician Jimmy Fingers, did people seem to twig. Her motivation for being there was undoubtedly to enjoy the anonymity that the home of the Blue Brazil provided, using the opportunity to perform in front of an audience without the usual criticism. She sang Sweet Caroline and Pearl´s A Singer, as well as a couple of lesser-known songs from her eponymous solo album. Slipping out the back door, evidently for a fag, she held the door open to our stunned commenter, and he managed to get this crafty shot of her with his mobile. Not even in Central Fife are celebs immune from the starstruck, so it is unlucky she´ll be back now that this exclusive is out.

The Anglification of Oor Oatcakes

2006-10-15T23:30:00.002+01:00

I'm trying to leave emotion out of this, but it's hard.
Globalisation of trade and information technology are eroding the ideosyncrasies of traditional Scotland, in terms of language - with good Scots words such as 'whean' and 'bauchle' disappearing, as well as its values, such as thrift and emotional restraint, but now it's even threatening our foodstuffs. As a good Scot, I enjoy traditional Scottish foods, serious foods that require a gurning face of half an hour's chewing to get a bit of digestion from it, food that you have to work at, like a good Calvinist, where a hint of flavour would be seen as a decadence. But things are not what they were. They thought they could get away with it to expand their English market, but they've been rumbled - Nairn's 'rough' oatcakes are not as rough as they used to be.
I thought it might have been a rogue batch, but no, I have seen this over several boxes, and it's not my imagination. I'm sure they're softening them up for the English. I blame David Beckham, him and his metrosexual pals, bringing their values of big poofy diamond earrings and hairbands to the comestibles market - making Scottish food girly. And this is not a conspiracy theory dreamt up by some bored Fifer. There will be a file on it somewhere in Whitehall.